As Miami prepares to welcome Miley Cyrus' Bangerz Tour, New Times would like to honor the princess of twerk by providing a comprehensive guide for child pop stars looking to go rogue.
So you're a barely legal former kid wonder! Welcome to adulthood! Legal cigarettes, voting, and porn await! But damn, you've built your whole career on singing PG-rated love songs to your teddy bears.
What are you gonna do? Here are some novel ways to shed the baby fat and jump-start a new life.
Shave your head. When sweet lil' Britney Spears threw away her mouse ears and joined the pop-star ranks with "...Baby One More Time," she still had a long way to go. Remember, despite her Lolita-like grinding in the naughty schoolgirl outfit, Brit was allegedly still a virgin. Four years after her breakaway single in 1998, she starred in a crappy movie about growing up called Crossroads. Her standout single from the soundtrack was "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman." She was so serious about her transition to adulthood that she sang it from a mountaintop in a bikini top and bell bottoms. But, nay, that was not enough. Too much is never enough, as Billy Idol once said. So the ex-Mrs. K-Fed's inner child screamed, "Screw it — I'm gonna flash my hoo-ha and shave my head." Thus, the caterpillar became a butterfly.
Develop a debilitating drug addiction. It's a sad tale and one as old as time, often starring an ex-child star going off the deep end into addiction. There are far too many examples, but let's revisit one of the classics. Stepping into the way-back machine, we travel to the year 1984, when a pastel-sweats-clad Bobby Brown still sounded like a dainty angel singing middle-school love songs from heaven above. Who would have ever imagined this sweet young hunk would stop walking girls home from school and start walking on the wild side? Uh, wait, never mind.
Pee in a bucket. Flaunting your sexuality or picking up a crack habit might not be an enticing path to adulthood for everybody. Some might prefer something a bit more avant-garde. In that case, make like Justin Bieber and pee in a bucket. Or get a DUI in the hot rod you're just barely old enough to drive. Or smoke so much pot on your private jets that the pilots literally need to put on gas masks. It's safe to say the Biebs is truly going rogue.
Star in a sexy crime-spree movie. Think you've got it rough? Selena Gomez looks like an 11-year-old playing (un)dressup. (The girl is of legal drinking age!) And to make growin' up even tougher, she and the Biebs are a modern-day Spears and Timberlake: former child stars formerly in love who just want a little grown-up attention. For Selena, that meant going berserk in a bikini for Harmony Korine's weirdo arthouse flick Spring Breakers. As Alien (AKA James Franco) would say: "This is the fuckin' American dream!"
Twerk on your old toys. If you spent your tween years singing at and/or hanging around teddy bears, maybe grinding against them will let people know you're not a kid anymore. (Or that you're into furries, which is also cool. Who are we to judge?) That's just one of the ways ol' Miley is making it easy to forget that, only a few years ago, she was Hannah Montana. The girl has turned awkward transitions to adulthood into an art form.