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The Best Valentine's Day 2017 Parties in Miami

The Best Valentine's Day 2017 Parties in MiamiEXPAND
Photo by Karli Evans
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Valentine’s Day has its roots in pagan rituals that included boozy bacchanalias, random hookups, and naked people whipping one another with the bloodied strips of sacrificed animals. In other words, it’s a lot like a weekend in Miami but without the slain chickens and goats (unless you’re into that — no judgment).

These days, the holiday dedicated to a fat baby with wings and a saint who was martyred for marrying couples illegally is a moneymaking machine. Cards, chocolates, and sex toys will fly off the shelves in the next 24 hours. There are also the inevitable last-minute plans to be made. For procrastinating Romeos and Juliets, here's a guide to some of the best events and parties for both the loved and the lonely.

Partiers at the Coral Gables Museum.EXPAND
Partiers at the Coral Gables Museum.
Photo by Monica McGivern

For the Classy Cats
Let’s begin with the happy couples who are in love and looking to get fancy.

Valentine's Day at Open Stage Club, With Lucy Woodward
Lucy Woodward is a London-born jazz vocalist with an affinity for crisscrossing genres such as Brit-pop and “bluesy bebop.” She has recorded with artists as diverse as Céline Dion and Rod Stewart and made a splash with her dynamic cover of Björk’s “It’s Oh So Quiet” in 2008. This Tuesday, she’ll take her band and her repertoire of songs, culled from four LPs, to the Open Stage Club in Coral Gables. Tickets cost $15, but a $45 option includes preferred seating and a three-course dinner.

"Heart Strings" Valentine's Day Concert
Dust off the suit and tie and prepare for some serious romance. Hosted by the Coral Gables Museum, the "Heart Strings" concert costs $25 for museum members and $35 for everyone else. The price includes an open wine bar, chocolates, and admission to the museum. The concert's selection of music is a combination of classical and romantic favorites by Haydn, Schubert, Vivaldi, Mozart, and Grieg, with a waltz, a tango, and an opera selection thrown in for fun.

Forget Fifty Shades.EXPAND
Forget Fifty Shades.
Photo by Monica McGivern

For the Lascivious Lovers
Fifty Shades Darker has a 10 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes, where the general consensus reads, “Lacking enough chemistry, heat, or narrative friction to satisfy, the limp Fifty Shades Darker wants to be kinky but only serves as its own form of punishment.” Instead of tormenting yourself (or your unfortunate partner) with this impotent cinematic feature, we suggest an event worthier of your libido.

Bàcaro Miami presents Clubesque: A Valentine's Day Cabaret and Dinner Show
Bàcaro, an Italian restaurant offering wine and tapas by Venetian chef Carlo Bernardini, invites couples to a contemporary cabaret dinner show. The cost ranges from $20 to $105. The higher price, in addition to an all-inclusive dinner and a glass of champagne, comes with a titillating show featuring singers, dancers, burlesque performers, acrobats, drag queens, and musicians.

See the next page for more Valentine's Day events in Miami.

Dama Vicke
Dama Vicke
Photo by Jacqueline Soir

For the Punk Paramours
There's a legion of souls seething with contempt for all things heart-shaped and candy-coated. No, we haven't forgotten about those with their middle fingers perpetually extended.

SoundBite Presents: Let's Get It On Valentine's Day
Churchill's Pub might not be the first thing most Miamians think of when it comes to Valentine's Day, but for those who value a sweaty good time on the cheap, why go elsewhere? First off, five bands for five bucks — Dama Vicke, Sofilla, Augie Pink, the Citadel, and Anastasia Max — is an insane value. Throw in goofy shit such as a kiss cam and a kissing booth, and this becomes not only a hot spot for singles but also a test for couples. If you're having a blast at Churchill's and your beloved is miserable, maybe it's time to check out the singles meetup games the pub will be running.

The scene at E11even.
The scene at E11even.
Photo by George Martinez

For the Romantic Ravers
“Rage, rage against the dying of the light,” Dylan Thomas said in his most famous poem. He was talking about staving off death, but plenty of people follow that mantra when it comes to closing down bars or two-stepping until sunrise.

3YR: Los De La Vega St. Valentine's Party at E11even
E11even’s weeklong third-anniversary celebration continues Tuesday with Los De La Vega (LDLV), a Miami native and staple of South Beach. The Cuban-American DJ and producer is set to spin a potent blend of “Afro-Cuban/Brazilian-baile-funk-infused electronic dance music” while the aerialists and go-go dancers entertain in the background.

Favela Beach: Valentine’s Day Edition
Now in its ninth year, Favela Beach is the city’s longest-running weekly party. As impressive as its longevity is, equally remarkable is the organizers’ ability to make the experience feel fresh. This week, in addition to the usual shenanigans, Favela Beach is hosting what it calls “the world’s biggest blind-date party,” and folks at Wall Miami say they encourage the crowd, “usually comprising sexy models and locals, to swipe right and meet their match.” Though the Tinder angle makes sense, simply dancing and people-watching is also a viable option for the rest of us.

Spread the singles' love at the Yard.
Spread the singles' love at the Yard.
Photo by Amadeus McCaskill

For the Single Sweethearts
Bitter? Horny? Single? Holy hell, are there options for you.

At least three quality singles' nights will happen across the city: Cheap Miami Dating Game Show at Kill Your Idol, Be My Valentine Bash at Fado Irish Pub, and Singles Appreciation Night at the Wynwood Yard. The Cheap Miami Dating Game Show is "three rounds of mystery dating for your chance to find that special someone" à la the hilariously awkward TV show The Dating Game from the '60s and '70s. The Be My Valentine Bash is simply speed dating — at an Irish pub. What could go wrong? Finally, the Wynwood Yard's Singles Appreciation Night could be the most laid-back affair of the three and the ideal spot for anyone wanting to enjoy what should be a cool night with temps in the low 70s — unless you get lucky and spend the rest of the night fogging up the windows of a car nearby.

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