Someone once said, "You go to New York to become someone, you go to L.A. when you are someone, and you go to Miami when you want to be someone else."
We like to think we're somebody, but it would totally make sense if we found out we had been someone else our whole life. It takes a certain kind of special to make Miami work. You can't have too many hangups. You've got to be OK with tacky and classy being approximately the same thing. You've got to be chill and kind of a bitch all the time. It takes practice.
Some people will just never get it right, and that's fine. For them, there's New York or L.A. or whatever.
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Ever notice how nonexistent the goth scene is in Miami? We don't have many fancy cemeteries in which to frolic. It's hot as hell, like 24/7/365, which makes it very difficult to wear long sleeves in the summer so you don't catch a tan. Also, goth music is essentially the polar opposite of Latin music of any kind. The closest thing you get to a goth night is hipster postpunk dance time or semiannual fetish parties. So your options are settle, move away, or get over it.
Women Without Asses
Oh, sweetie, if you hit the streets in this town lookin' flat in the back, prepare to be eaten alive. You'll go home from the club not with someone sexy, but with a parting basket of self-doubt and body-image issues. Miamians are living in Nicki Minaj's "Anaconda" video. This city sits atop J.Lo's enormous behind. If you don't get out of here quick, you'll wake up in six months with a rock the size of a bowling ball in each butt cheek and some dude named Javier talkin' about "I'll tell you how you can pay me back."
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This is the beach that gay built. You've seen The Bird Cage, right? It's real. Everyone here is a little gay or at least likes to gesture with their hands while they're speaking. Maybe SoBe isn't as gay as it used to be, but we've still got the hottest, sassiest, and weirdest drag queens in the nation. (Fuck off, NYC!) Even our lesbian scene is thriving with its own big-time, showy parties. If the sight of a gay-pride parade makes you want to paint a sign and demonstrate, don't bother -- you already lost.
So, um, the thing is everything we eat here has pork in it. Or at least it's gonna have some fish. Or maybe we're just having a barbecue and we literally brought nothing but steak and chorizo. It's OK -- you can have some caesar salad. What do you mean caesar dressing isn't vegan? This is just too complicated. How are you not starving? If you are truly committed to the vegan lifestyle, get ready to cook for yourself almost constantly. Do not even get us started on gluten.
Ignorant-Ass White People
You. Are. done. You're done. You won't be able to speak or relate to anybody here, not unless you're willing to have a mind-opening experience akin to a lobotomy. We are a culture accepting of all kinds from all over the world. But if you speak only "American," this just isn't going to work out.
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Our drivers are literally the worst. They are known the world over for being homicidal maniacs. They are definitely driving too fast while texting and playing loud music. They don't care too much for the dotted white line, let alone a hapless cyclist trapped in the margin between parked cars and full-on traffic. Bike lanes are hardly a real thing. You've got to study up on your back-road map and learn the safe routes. Even then, be on constant lookout for drunk assholes. Cyclists, we love you, but you might be a little insane.
The Heat may not have won the championship. And LeBron may have betrayed us. But we still got the hottest team on the block. When you live in Miami, you must love all of our sports teams, even if watching the games makes you cry. It's our job, and true fans love every second of it. If you can't hang when our boys are at their lowest, you can't be sitting here, soaking up the perfect weather when it's raining title trophies.
Las Vegas Carpetbaggers
You've found success running a club or restaurant in Las Vegas. You figure Miami is just like Vegas. Miami loves dance music, flashy shit, and money, right? Nah. Just because you know how to cater to one trashy, tourist-ridden money pit doesn't mean you have the key to success in ours. We've got a whole 'nother culture out here, and we're stickin' to the big guns we know. No new friends.
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People Who Want to Start a Band
It's not that you won't get any gigs; it's just that you won't get enough to survive on music alone. Live music gets a raw deal in this town. Unless you're Suénalo or the Jacuzzi Boys, it can be tough. You've got Churchill's and some hipster hangs. There are some bars trying to give live music a break, but this city's money-burning population runs on 120 bpm. The DJs are making a killing, and you'll get paid less and then split it among your mates. Hope you're cool holding down a day job.
People Actually From Miami
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All right, guys. Clearly, no one wants us around anymore. Otherwise, they wouldn't be building so many high-rises completely out of the price range of the folks who actually live and work in this city. Pretty soon there'll be no Miami left for Miamians. But the joke is on you, elite upper class, because global climate change is real, and it's coming.
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