Noise. It sucks. It hurts the ear.
But every year, Rat Bastard's International Noise Conference draws sickos from around the world to Churchill's Pub for a free, curated, four-night concert series featuring the worst sounds humans are capable of producing without drones or laptops.
All the bands have terrible names. Here are the ten worst.
10. Loop Retard
Objection: The Americans with Disabilities Act does not approve
Suggestion: Asperger's Loop
Objection: Hard to pronounce.
Suggestion: Burning Sideways Iron in Your Mouth
8. Unicorn Hard-On
Suggestion: Tumescent Magic Horse Cock in Hot, Wet, Magic-Horse Pussy.
Objection: It's only ever cold enough to wear a ballscarf in Miami once a year.
Suggestion: Testicular Wifebeater
6. Chrome Dick
Objection: Ruins nerve endings.
Suggestion: Non-Corrosive Spray-On Chrome Dick Spray
5. Low Level Lazer Radiation
Suggestion: Exploding Radiation Up Your Ass Twice Repeatedly
4. Lazer Slut
Objection: What's with all the lazers?
Suggestion: Lazier Slut
3. Lazy Magnet
Objection: Not enough lazers.
Suggestion: Lazer Dragnet
2. Venison Whirled
Objection: Hippie shit.
Suggestion: Baby Deer Cheese Grater
Objection: Sounds French.
Suggestion: A Form of Dungeon Accessible Only From a Hatch in a High Ceiling
International Noise Conference 2012. Wednesday, February 8, to Saturday, February 11. Churchill's Pub, 5501 NE 2nd Ave., Miami. The noise begins at 9 p.m. on Wednesday and Thursday, 7 p.m. on Friday, and 5 p.m. on Sunday. No cover. Call 305-757-1807 or visit churchillspub.com.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.