Pop the Dom. Buss that wallet open. Hit the ATM. Repeat.
If you've never done Memorial Day in Miami, here's a warning: It's going to get expensive. The bottles aren't cheap. And neither are the hookups. But if you wanna party (or, you know, remember the men and women who died while serving in the United States Armed Forces) like a boss, you can't be counting dollar bills. Go raid the bank, rent a 'Rari, and — to quote veteran baller Young Jeezy — "kill the club."
Trinidad James and DJ Khaled. Presented by Young Chow and Stay in Ya Lane. Thursday, May 23, 11 p.m., at Cameo, 1445 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-532-2667; cameomiami.com. Tickets cost $35 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Wear your "All Gold Everything" and start screaming "We the Best!" 'cause Mr. Trinidad and Khaled are gonna be straight flexin' on SoBe. P.S.: "Female$ Allowed."
Brass Knuckles. With Mednas. Thursday, May 23, 11 p.m., LIV, 4441 Collins Ave. Miami Beach; 305-674-4680; livnightclub.com. Tickets cost $30 to $40 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Sure, Memorial Day in Miami can get sketchy. But do not bring brass knuckles to the club. Unless it's these three local party boys.
Bryant McKinnie's Da Kick Off: Welcome to Miami Madness Pool Party. With Juelz Santana. Friday, May 24, 1 to 9 p.m., at Catalina Hotel & Beach Club, 1732 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-1160; catalinahotel.com. Weekend party passes cost $125 and up plus fees via miamimadnessweekend.com. Ages 21 and up. Oil up that pigskin, son. It's time to do the Nasty Poolside Shuffle with Canes alum and Super Bowl champ Bryant McKinnie and 500 bikinied ball bunnies.
Ace Hood's Celebrity Mansion Birthday Party. With King of Diamonds dancers. Friday, May 24, 4 to 11 p.m., at Villa 221, 221 NE 17th St., Miami; 305-416-5280; villa221.com. Tickets cost $25 plus fees via eventbrite.com. Ages 21 and up. It's Ace Hood's b-day. And though there won't be full nudity (because the Villa ain't a nudie bar), y'all can definitely expect big booties, big ballers, and maybe even big homie Ricky Rozay.
Juelz Santana. With DJs Amazing and Lucky C. Friday, May 24, 9 p.m., at G5ive Gentlemen's Club, 337 NW 170th St., Miami; 305-917-4548; g5ive.com. Cover costs $30. Ages 21 and up. A nasty strip-club habit can ruin a relationship. But Love & Hip-Hop stars Juelz Santana and Kimbella's advice for saving the romance: Buy your lady a lap dance! Oh, wait — that didn't work, work, work.
We the Best South Beach Takeover. With DJ Khaled and friends. Friday, May 24, 11 p.m., at Cameo, 1445 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-532-2667; cameomiami.com. Tickets cost $35 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Who's the best? "We the Best!" Get ready for a night of foghorn blasts and prerecorded shout-outs with DJ Khaled and his homies Nino Brown, Ace Hood, Mavado, and Vado. Bruhhh-bruhhh!
Bare. With Felix House & Max Kartel, Jumanji, Disidente, and others. Saturday, May 25, 10 p.m., at Eve, 1306 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-995-5050; miamieve.com. Tickets cost $10 to $20 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 18 and up. The preferred method for locating the best parties in Miami: Press your booty to the sidewalk and follow the low-end rumble. And right now, our ass' seismic receivers are going berserk, thanks to self-described "professional bass technician" Bare.
Juelz Santana's Splish Splash Pool Bash & BBQ. With DJs Boof, Scoota, and Epps. Sunday, May 26, 1 to 9 p.m., at Catalina Hotel & Beach Club, 1732 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-1160; catalinahotel.com. Weekend party passes cost $125 and up plus fees via miamimadnessweekend.com. Ages 21 and up. Never witnessed underwater twerkin'? Well, don't miss the 2013 edition of Dipset boss Juelz Santana's annual SoBe Splish Splash Pool Bash & BBQ. Oh, and bring some blinged-out goggles.
Ice Billion Berg and Lil Scrappy's Miami vs. Atlanta Strip Off. With DJs Teflon and Ice-T. Sunday, May 26, 9 p.m., at G5ive Gentlemen's Club, 337 NW 170th St., Miami; 305-917-4548; g5ive.com. Cover costs $30. Ages 21 and up. If you're a lady from Miami or Atlanta who'd like to offer proof of patriotism by gettin' nekkid, please sign up for G5ive's Memorial Day exotic-dancing contest. Take off all yo' clothes! Support the troops!
Young Jeezy. Young Jeezy. With DJ Scream, Bigga Rankin, and DJ Demp. Sunday, May 26, 10 p.m., Club Play, 1045 Fifth St., Miami Beach; 305-532-4340; clubplaysouthbeach.com. Tickets cost $50 and up plus fees via eventbrite.com. Ages 21 and up. Fact: Nobody knows how to murder a holiday weekend like Jeezy. In fact, he guarantees: "RIP, we gonna kill the club."
