Oh, America the beautiful.
After 237 years of freedom and fireworks, you still shine on, a beacon of hope for all the world to see. And we, your beautiful people, continue to raise our glasses and our flag-manicured fingers to the sky every Fourth of July.
Being a United States citizen comes with certain unalienable rights. Like life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Oh, and the freedom to turn our nation's flag into something with which to cover your expensive, fake tits.
We all look down on burning a flag, and you shouldn't step on it. But wearing it as a bikini is strongly encouraged.
Party rule no. 27: Know who you're dealing with. This girl can only be handled by the most alpha males at the party. Do you see her ripped abs? Do you see her crazy-bitch stare? This girl is all "America, fuck yeah," and she looks like she could eat you whole.
Damn, this girl is looking a little insane as well, but what's a party without a couple of hot, crazy chicks? America would be nothing without our playful (yet probably spiteful) females. This girl is all charm and lace on the outside, bitch-I'll-slap-you on the inside. Kind of like our foreign policy.
Ah yes, here we go, some girl-next-door types. Did you know that the 13 stars on their breasts represent the original 13 colonies? Hey, why are you doing looking at their breasts anyway? Their eyes are up here, douchebag.
Um, should someone tell her that she has the stars and stripes mixed up? Shouldn't it be like, the stripes going all the way down and the stars only on the left boobie? Ah, fuck it, who paid attention in high school social studies anyway?
This dude knows his girlfriend is hot. He's using his massive limbs to cover her up. He knows what your dirty minds are thinking. Because he has the dirtiest mind of them all. We don't even want to speculate on what these kids got into after the party was over.
OMG, yes! This girl is straight killing it! Work them stars and stripes, girl. You wear your adorable patriotic hat to the side. This bitch is blonde and smiling, and she's about as American as they come. The only thing that isn't working with this theme is that green-back mojito...
Yeah, this girl knows what we're talking about! You've got to make sure your drink is color-coordinated with your look. Did you know the red in the red, white, and blue originally symbolized valor and bravery? Here, it clearly represents sugary cranberry juice mixed with vodka, which is probably as close to white as we're gonna get.
Finally! Someone who is getting a little creative with their patriotic-wear. This girl didn't just go out and buy some made-in-China bikini with the flag all over it. She put her mind to use and grabbed some solo pieces out of her closet that fit the theme perfectly, and gave her some unique flair. Kudos to you, fashionista.
We love it when friends match with each other. Or wait, maybe they're not actually matching each other, they're just all out on the Fourth of July? Or what if they're not even really friends with each other, just sexy girls who use each other for free bottle service? Who can tell the difference these days?
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
This dude's shit. Enough said.
BONUS IRONY PICTURE: Alright, it's not a bikini, but it is a white girl in a Native American headdress on a day that basically celebrates the way we wiped out an entire culture and claimed its land as our own. She clearly doesn't get the political incorrectness, and that's what makes America the best country in the world.