Praise the pot gods.
We have all survived to see another 4/20, the highest, holiest, and happiest of weed holidays. The crop has been harvested. It is lush and green and good. Now if only there were someplace to celebrate with a nice, ceremonial, musical smoke out ...
Here are the ten best 4/20 parties in Miami.
Uncle Luke and Problem Kids. With DJ Ethics. Friday, April 19, 10 p.m., The Stage, 170 NE 38th St., Miami; 305-576-9577; thestagemiami.com. Cover costs $10. Ages 21 and up. Puff, pop that coochie, and pass with booty bass legend, First Amendment hero, and staunch proponent of legal weed Luther "Uncle Luke" Campbell. From the gospel according to Luke: "I am not a weed head ... [But] Miami is already a gateway for drug smuggling ... Let's go get that money."
The Roll Up: A Pre-420 Celebration. With Animal Krackerz, Phantasman
Skinny Hendrix, and others. Friday, April 19, 8 p.m., Lala's, 12325 NE Sixth Ave., Miami. Cover costs $5 to $10. Ages 18 and up. Since you're gonna be way, way, way too busy laughing at your hands on 4/20 to do any precision finger-work, meet Animal Krackerz and friends at this 4/19 prep sesh. Their only instructions: "Bring your dutches, grinders, and lick your lips."
Johnny Dread and the Auxumites. Friday, April 19, 10:30 p.m., Cubaocho, 1465 SW Eighth St., Miami; 305-285-5880; cubaocho.com. Cover costs $10. Weed can change your life. Just ask Miami's own Johnny Dread. He was once a teenage basketball star. But then he met Mary Jane and the Marleys. And the rest has been all Rasta.
B420 Metal Fest. With Orbweaver, Murder Suicide, Reapermanser, Stone Miller & the Dirty Rhythm Jesus, Toasted Marshmallow Zombies, and others. Friday, April 19, 9 p.m., Churchill's Pub, 5501 NE Second Ave., Miami; 305-757-1807; churchillspub.com. Cover costs $15. Ages 21 and up. It sounds like an uptight religious narc's worst nightmare. Some skinny cigarettes followed by Murder Suicide with Reapermanser, Toasted Marshmallow Zombies, and Dirty Rhythm Jesus. But trust us, the B420 Metal Fest will not harsh your buzz. Unless you're an uptight religious narc.
Funhouse Fridaze: 420 Edition. With DJ Jared Cole. Friday, April 19, 8 p.m., Villa 221, 221 NE 17th St., Miami; 305-416-5280; villa221.com. No cover. Ages 21 and up. Pot is good for giggles. Ditto "free cotton candy, giant stuffed animals, monkey mirrors, funhouse swag-goo, and weed nuggets walking around" at a carnival-themed moombahton party.
High Times 420 Smoke Fest. Hosted by Herb Love. With Mr. Walters, Klassik, GQ, Epps, Lambsbread, Selfborn, and Tom Laroc, plus 4/20-inspired graffiti from Ska One and Etaks. Saturday, April 20, 9 p.m., The Stage, 170 NE 38th St., Miami; 305-576-9577; thestagemiami.com. Cover costs $20. Ages 21 and up. Honestly, all a stoner needs in order to celebrate the highest, holiest, and happiest of weed holidays is a copy of High Times, a few fat doobs, a boombox, a can of spraypaint, and a street corner. But this particular Smoke Fest ups that THC level by approximately 420 percent.
Del the Funky Homosapien at Miami 420 Music Festival. With Bachaco, and others. Saturday, April 20, 9 p.m., EVE, 1306 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-995-5050; miamieve.com. Cover costs $20. Ages 21 and up. No, he ain't from another planet. But Del the Funky Homosapien (AKA Deltron, Sir Dzl, Teren Delvon Jones) is indeed a master of intergalactic, Sticky Icky-fueled travel through the cosmos of the mind. Let him be your guide.
420 and the David Mayfield Parade. With Wholetones and DJ Haitian Hillbilly. Saturday, April 20, 9 p.m., Will Call, 700 NE Second Ave., Miami; 305-577-5900; willcallmiami.com. Admission is free. Ages 21 and up. Like most precious crops, cannabis often thrives most gloriously in the country. So go smoke up at Will Call with the dudes of Warren, Ohio roots rock crew David Mayfield Parade. Their buds just may be the sweetest.
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Lanza 4/20 Fest. With Lanzallamas, La Lovo, and MMC. Saturday, April 20, 10 p.m., PAX, 337 SW Eighth St., Miami; 305-640-5847; paxmiami.com. Cover costs $5 to $10. Ages 18 and up. The jams will be, like, dude, thanks to the Lanza crew. The weeducation will be, like, whoa, courtesy of Ploppy Palace and NORML of Florida. And the Mexican munchies will be, like, yum, from Culture Stop and Clandestinos Pub.
Blowfly at Tobacco Road's 420 Fest. With Jahfe, Stokeswood, Omine, Wholetones, and Don Sha. Saturday, April 20, 10 p.m., Tobacco Road, 626 S. Miami Ave. Miami; 305-374-1198; tobacco-road.com. Tickets cost $5 to $10. Ages 21 and up. Ever get baked with a 74-year-old X-rated rapper at a former whorehouse? Meet Blowfly and a bunch of big fat hos at Miami's oldest bar. Then watch as the Road turns to wacky tobacky.