Sometimes, it seems as though half of the people we here at Crossfade meet are dudes. And yet very few of them are oiled-up studs, shaking their bulging dong slings in our face.
Chin up, though. Because Stripped: The Show is coming to the Martini Bar at Gulfstream Park in Hallandale Beach. And the men of Stripped don't just have washboard abs, they can one-hour dry clean our noses with those things.
Unlike the furry hunchbacks that we're all so used to seeing peel off their sweatpants on the Metrobus, the men of Stripped aren't just going to waggle their Cheetos-stained wangs for a couple of minutes and then fall asleep. No, we're going to get a full evening's entertainment.
See, Rike Mambo, Orlando, and Eduar aren't just hunky strippers. They are "The Strippers Del Mambo," a Latin dance and singing group from Miami who just so happen to be chiseled like whoa.
Yes, they'll dress -- momentarily -- as firemen and policemen. But let your house burn down, let robbers tie your grandmother to a chair and pistol whip her until she gives up the jewels. Because after a full strip show, instead of putting their uniforms back on, The Strippers Del Mambo will perform a sizzling merengue concert for us.
The hunks'll even take photographs with us. That way we can show our grandchildren that once upon a time, we stood next to a man whose lats were so well-defined they made the OED look like a Laffy Taffy wrapper. After that, it's DJs and dancing until three in the morning.
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Most guys think a full evening's entertainment means getting to the movie theater early enough to catch the trailers. Not the Strippers Del Mambo. One tip, ladies: Wear your diaphragm instead of a hat. Because otherwise, Rike Mambo, Orlando, and Eduar are going to impregnate your brain with unyielding dreams of using your body as a carnal Bowflex.
Stripped: The Show. Featuring The Strippers Del Mambo. Wednesday, August 29. Martini Bar at The Village of Gulfstream Park, 601 Silks Run, Hallandale Beach. The show starts at 9:30 p.m. and tickets cost $15 plus fees via wanttickets.com/strippedtheshow. Call 954-589-2679 or visit martinibargulfstream.com.