A week ago local poet, musician, and promoter Benjamin Shahoulian started a comment war on his Facebook page, stemming from his frustration at local musicians' constant complaints about promoters.
As the exchanges were getting pretty intense, hip-hop artist and promoter Erik Grizzly jokingly suggested making a video for "Shit Miami Bands Say."
With input from Alukard's Level and this author, the one-liners came together with surprising ease.
So Miami filmmakers, here's the script ... Make the video.
1. "Why is my name so small on the flyer?"
2. "Uh, when do we play?"
3. "Can you call my guitarist for me?"
4. "You can find me at myspace.com/nobodycares."
5. "I didn't bring any cables. Can you ask that other band if I can borrow some and a guitar too?"
6. "Hey, I have work in the morning. Can you tell that other band to let us go first?"
7. "We can't play tonight 'cause my bass player got mono from the drummer's girlfriend."
8. "No, I can't use a backline, I only like my own kit."
9. "We need a half-hour to set up and another half-hour to break down for our 20-minute noise set."
10. "Flyers? You're the promoter. My job is to play music, man."
11. "One more song? OK! I'm sure the next band won't mind."
12. "Let's go drink in the car."
13. "Can I get a drink ticket for my drummer's cousin's sister's friend?"
14. "What do you mean you don't have a mike for the bass drum?"
15. "Hey, my girlfriend doesn't have to pay, right?"
16. "Drum circles are so much better than this show."
17. "How much am I getting paid, bro? I brought my family!"
18. "I can't play with that band. I fucked their drummer's girlfriend."
19. "Awesome band. Singer sucks, though." Or, "Awesome singer. Band sucks, though."
20. "Yeah, man, I play live. On my laptop."
21. "Come check out my band. We're playing at Churchill's. We're the 14th band on the outside stage."
22. "We're like dubsteb. But not like your normal dubstep. We're like the new dubstep. You know, so we're dubstep. But you know, different."
23. "Our timeslot is 11 p.m., but I think that really means 2 in the morning or something."
24. "This is for charity? So we're not getting paid?"
25. "Who decides who plays Ultra?"
26. "We're going on tour to Broward and Palm Beach."
27. "Oh yeah, I played there a while back. But can you get me booked?"
28. "He doesn't have to pay. He carried my bass drum."
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Miami New Times's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Miami's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
29. "She's carrying my mike stand and her boyfriend has the power cord for my amp."
30. "I'm the singer. This is my band."
31. "You said they were going on after us! Bro, they're gonna kill the crowd!"