When Ricky Martin announced he was gay earlier this year, two things happened: (1) we cashed in on a $50 bet we made in 1999, and (2) any rumors that Ricky Martin -- who'd been out of the public eye for quite some time -- had died, were laid to rest.
Riding his latest 15-minute of fame train, the international pop star released his first memoir, Me, last week (yawn). But we think a $26.95 list price is a little outrageous for Ricky's story. Shit, Dubya's Decision Points is only eighteen bucks on Amazon, and he was the goddamn president of this country.
Thankfully, Gawker posted several excerpts of the book, and we managed to get the jist of what Ricky had to say. We summed up his less-than compelling story, and uncovered the hidden meaning behind some of the most random lines we found in Gawker's recap of Me.
On Sex with Women: "I remember I was left with a 'That's it?' kind of feeling"
Translation: A few pumps and they were done. It was miserable, and she faked it. Ricky lost interest.
On Meeting his First Boyfriend: "I stared at him steadily, and when I saw that he did not turn his gaze away....Boom! He confirmed what I was thinking."
Translation: Ricky pitched and his boyfriend caught, or vice versa. Either way, both men hit a home run later that night.
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On Brushes with the Law: "Apparently, I had exceeded the speed limit and a policeman stopped me"
Translation: Ricky needed page fillers, so he inserted a pointless anecdote about having a heavy foot and getting pulled over. This story's as interesting as Menudo's Behind the Music.
On Martial Arts: "For breakfast, lunch and dinner, I lived and breathed capoeria, a martial art from Brazil"
Translation: Gay or straight, Ricky will beat your ass.
On Twitter: "For someone like me who's use to being onstage and getting the immediate response of an audience, Twitter is a dream tool.
Translation: Ricky's a narcissist. Follow him on Twitter.