Almost 200 years ago, famed naturalist Charles Darwin boarded the HMS Beagle, an exploratory vessel captained by pioneering meteorologist Robert FitzRoy, for an epic voyage to the wildly exotic, nearly untouched, species-rich Galápagos Islands.
There, Darwin and FitzRoy would explore the landscape and catalog the biosphere and become renowned men of science.
But today, ol' Chuck and Bob's triumph has been trumped. Because native Miami ass-splorers Flo Rida and Pitbull just made a shocking discovery ...
It was just another sexy, sunny day on the waters of South Beach. When, suddenly...
Off in the distance, Flo Rida spots an uncharacteristically big, fat Caucasian gluteus maximus. And like the Christopher Columbus of butts, he marvels: "Damn, that white girl got some ass!"
Obviously, Flo "can't believe it." And he "wanna see it!"
So he and his homie Pitbull hurriedly hump after that rarest (and palest) of asses in a speedboat loaded with other sexy cryptozoological curiosities. You know, like a goth mermaid and stuff.
As Flo and Pit scale the first supple butt peak, they discover a whole new world, gazing with wonder upon a vast, endless expanse of ass!
There're even islands of ass! Daleee!
Indeed, it is a fairy-tale land filled with booty-tastic creatures, which heretofore had been believed to be mere figments of rappers' strange and frenzied sexual imaginations.
Just look at this specimen...
The bottom half looks like a normal woman. But instead of a head, there's just more ass and legs!
Now, under normal circumstances, that kinda thing might be called misogyny. But since Mother Nature made these beauties, it's simply anthropology.
No doubt, there's gonna be some critics who refuse to recognize Flo Rida and Pitbull's booty pursuits as "groundbreaking" or "earth-shaking."
(It seems the haters just can't feel them booties bounce. And they apparently aren't amazed by asses that function as land masses.)
So what is the true geographical and scientific significance of this discovery?
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"Black girl got an ass, it ain't a secret," Flo admits.
But a "vanilla Cinderella" with some booty meat, he explains, slapping the air like a jiggly, pale-skinned bongo...
"Bubble yum bum, ba-dum bum ba-dum."