Some believe it evolved when the recording industry first merged into five major labels, nullifying any need for artistic competition. Others say it started in Louisiana when gold-toothed thugs decided to take a stab at rap music. Maybe an anonymous neighborhood drug dealer with an AKAI MPC-60 drum machine is WAM's patient zero. But one group of scientists suggests a more far-out origin: space.
Particles carrying WAM could have come from a comet, these researchers say, and been released into the debris trail of the comet's tail. The earth's passage through this stream would have led to the entry of these particles.
"We're not saying this is definitely what happened," says Buffy Chamberly, the director of the Stupid People Studies for Astrobiology and How It Affects Music, a liberal white research clinic that seeks to exonerate so-called ghetto youth for any responsibility for their own behavior. "But the theory should not be ruled out."
So far, WAM has infected an estimated 80 percent of the listening population and claimed 204,761 promising careers in urban music, according to Chamberly. Los Angeles, New Orleans, east Texas, and the State of New York have been hit hardest by the epidemic.
Although a generally ignorant public has been identified as one of the reasons so much bullshit is played on the radio all day, scientists believe very strongly that lyrics from popular artists such as R&B crooner R. Kelly, who sings "Like two gorillas in a jungle makin' love" on his hit single "Snake," can be directly linked to the WAM breakout.
Chip Underfield, head of the Institute for Making Excuses for Black People's Cultural Decline by Making Them Out to Be Victims and Glorifying Their Poor Social Behavior Through Acceptance, points out that Kelly may have come in contact with the disease while collaborating on "Snake" with Big Tigger. Underfield cites the track as strong evidence of how quickly the problem is spreading throughout the recording industry.
"What raised eyebrows among the research community was the discovery that Big Tigger is from one of the areas hardest hit by WAM, New York State," Underfield continues. "It is theorized that he may have been carrying the bacteria responsible for WAM and his contact with Mr. Kelly, a Chicago native, caused Mr. Kelly to write lyrics that are even dumber than what is considered normal for him."
But most medical experts are sticking to a more conventional explanation for the origin of WAM.
"We have no scientific evidence that WAM or any other disease has dropped off a meteor at this point in time," notes Tyrone Abdul Wahed-Johnson, director of the Atlanta-based Center for Blaming Whitey for All of Black America's Ills. Wahed-Johnson says WAM is best explainable by blaming the white man "for sprinkling crack cocaine on Negroes whenever he gets a chance to." He added, "We have many other hypotheses that are far more plausible than meteorites."
"If this thing is so widespread throughout the entire music community," continues Wahed-Johnson, "why doesn't it affect country music stars and Michelle Branch as much as it does 50 Cent and Jay-Z?"
Wahed-Johnson's point is one that does not go unnoticed by some skeptics in the scientific community. Reginald Theus, head researcher for If I Don't Like It, I Don't Like It, That Doesn't Mean That I'm Hating, a Los Angeles-based music study group, suggests, "Music videos are just commercials for various consumer products." He cites Busta Rhymes's "Pass The Courvoisier" as well as an influx of rap stars with clothing lines and "no musical ability" as proof to support his argument. "I think WAM is just a case of record labels using popular music to peddle other forms of entertainment and products to the mindless public," he says.
Theus adds that his organization became aware of the symptoms behind WAM when it first appeared in L.A. in the mid-Eighties, affecting groups such as J.J. Fad, Oaktown's 357, and Tone-Loc, among others.
"The fact that the rest of the music industry is starting to be so concerned is just a result of its apparent spread to other genres," he says. "Mariah Carey and her movie Glitter was a wake-up call for the industry. For us, it raised a red flag suggesting that the problem is more widespread than suspected.
"The problem is that this disease has gone unchecked for years," he continues. "I think that rather than arguing about where it came from we should focus on stopping its spread." Theus feels that government resources should be budgeted toward education and prevention.
"When an artist signs a record deal someone should be there to tell them about the dangers of WAM. We need to assume responsibility for not educating artists and the public. And that is a disservice to the community at large," Theus says. "WAM will not go away on its own."
