Ah, 2016, the year America lost its favorite celebrities, its respect for the political process, and roughly a billion Facebook friends over arguments about whether black lives matter. And 2017 doesn't look much better. So you'd be forgiven for wanting to shell out every last dime for one killer New Year's Eve experience before you spend your remaining days on Earth waiting out the apocalypse.
Unfortunately for you, this is Miami. You could sell everything you own and still not afford these ridiculously expensive party packages. But if you're still curious what real ballers will be doing as the ball drops this year, here are the highest ticket prices in town.
James Bond/Bollinger Package at Artisan Beach House
For $10,007 — which, yes, is the actual price of this experience — you might expect to own a share in whatever club you're partying in when you wake up in 2017. But Artisan Beach House's James Bond/Bollinger package takes the opposite approach: They supply the fancy surroundings, and you bring the party guests. High-rollers will start the night with a four-course meal by chef Paula DaSilva before moving on to the private terrace of the Ritz-Carlton Bal Harbour for an intimate open bar for six. After getting drunk and watching the fireworks, you and your five friends can crack open a limited-edition 007 Spectre crystal set containing a 1.5-liter bottle of 1988 Bollinger R.D. From there, anything goes. What happens on the private terrace stays on the private terrace.
$10,007 for the full package. Visit artisanbeachhouse.com.
Magical Garden at Nikki Beach
Public fireworks displays? For the plebes. Real ballers know the only way to celebrate New Year's Eve is with a light show of their very own, and that's what Nikki Beach is bringing this year: "Miami Beach's only private fireworks display," according to a news release. How do private fireworks work, exactly? Are you prohibited from watching them if you haven't dropped $650 for dinner for two? Only one percenters know for sure, but they'll be too busy watching dancers, listening to musicians and DJs, and exploring a hipster fairyland complete with "life-sized antique bird cages and crystal-adorned oversized gazebos" to notice. Especially if they've shelled out an additional $10,000 for an exclusive New Year's Eve strawberry mojito made with a full jeroboam of Dom Pérignon rosé. Yes, really.
$100 for general admission, $550 for VIP table, $650 for dinner for two. The party starts at 8 p.m. Visit nikkibeachmiamievents.com.
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Five Star Miami New Year's Eve
Haven't begun your New Year's Eve celebrations yet? You're doing it wrong. Five Star Miami party people have been living it up since last Sunday, toasting the new year with a sunset party, a night at Rockwell, and a luxury yacht cruise. Tomorrow's Surreal Party at E11even is next in the lineup; tables can cost as much as $1,606. And the Five Star New Year's Eve 2017 event on Watson Island — the one that will take place New Year's Eve — can cost as much as $20,000 for a table. Though, to be fair, that's for 16 people and includes butler service. You wouldn't want to ring in the new year without a butler by your side.
Tickets cost $350 to $20,000. Visit fivestarnye.com/miami.
Justin Bieber at the Fontainebleau
You can spend New Year's Eve in the same hotel as Justin Bieber for $350. But to ring in 2017 within close range of the Biebs, the Fontainebleau's asking price is $50,000. That'll score you an ultra-VIP stage-side party place for you and 24 of the biggest Bieber fans you know.
Tickets cost $350 to $50,000. Visit fontainebleau.com/NYE.
Rev Run and DJ Ruckus at Hyde Beach Miami
Hyde Beach's Havana Nights-themed NYE party, A Night in Cuba, is not, in fact, based on the 2004 Dirty Dancing sequel, but rather on the actual Havana, with Cuban cigar rollers posted up around the pool. Attendees can enjoy passed hors d'oeuvres from the Bazaar and a free open bar until midnight while dancing to the sounds of traditional Cuban musicians Rev Run and DJ Ruckus. Want prime access to the dance floor? A cabana for ten will run you $5,500.
Tickets cost $150 to $5,500. Visit sbe.com.
Marshmello at Story
If you have $15,000 lying around and no plans this Saturday night, you can book a dance-floor table at Story to watch Marshmello, EDM's star of the moment. You and 14 friends can guzzle two included bottles of vodka and three bottles of champagne, plus party favors, which you have to assume include matching Marshmello masks for all attendees. But wait — don't forget the $5,700 in service charges!
General admission starts at $300. Visit flavorus.com.
Skrillex at LIV
Meanwhile, at LIV, it'll cost you $25,000 for a front-stage VIP table that includes 20 VIP tickets, two magnums of premium vodka, and three magnums of champagne. But if you're feeling that post-holiday crunch in your budget, you can always downsize to a $20,000 half-dance-floor-VIP table with all the same perks. Just ask yourself: Am I a VIP, or just a half-VIP?
General-admission tickets start at $400. Visit flavorus.com.
2 Chainz at Rockwell
Do you need to smell like money to book Rockwell's premium NYE booth? MFN right. A reservation will cost you $10,000 for up to 12 guests plus a magnum of vodka and four bottles of champagne.
General admission starts at $200. Visit tablelist.com.