You gimmicky schmucks.
Yes, you. The multi-platinum artist reigning over the Billboard charts, farting out hits like your shit doesn't stink. Actually, it smells like your soul died and rotted.
It's so hard to hear any good music over all these wack-ass jumble jams. Your keywords are rich, but your imagination is filing for bankruptcy. It's a bad look even if you are too big to fail.
Here are music's five dumbest marketing trends.
See also: EDM's Five Biggest Hacks
Whoever started this trend is a real sticky booger. We all love music videos. We remember when it took two hours just to download one, and it was totally worth it. That means quality is worth waiting for, and since you're going to put out a real visual anyway, why not just take the fuckin' time and come out with it when you're good and ready. Don't make some dumb sing-along, karaoke-lookin' shit just because you wanna cop mad YouTube dollars. They are always cheesy. It's lame. You're lame. Stop it.
Jackin' '90s Beats
We are 100 percent about the '90s revival. We have been rockin' circle sunnies and flannel for at least a year now, and we are about to go acid wash some jeans when this post is done. But that doesn't mean you can just go coast on a classic anthem from 20 years ago because it's dope. We know it's dope. We never stopped listening to it. If you're an "artist," you should be able to come up with your own instant classic. Cut the crap and get to work.
See also: Six Reasons to Never Have Sex With a DJ
Despite bad press and a near complete lack of respectability, the music industry is still going gaga for EDM. Did you guys hear that Justin Bieber is working on a deep house album? How about that Paris Hilton makes more money DJing than Deadmau5 and Tiesto put together? Las Vegas is a thing. Iggy Azalea used to be good, but now she just makes crappy dance rap. It sucked when Nicki Minaj did it, and it sucks now. Going EDM is as cheesy as going disco was in the late '70s. And for the record, no one likes dubstep breakdowns anymore, so please leave the wubwub at home.
Technology is amazing. We submit our bodies to the robot overlords, but please don't drag the Internet into your pathetic plea for attention. If your song has a hashtag in the title, it's probably shit. Why else would you so obviously incite 14-year-old Tweeters to help get it on the charts? Who cares if your song is trending when it sounds like you made it from within your label master's asshole? It's embarrassing, and your comeback attempt in five years is going to be a nightmare.
Sounding Exactly the Same
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This isn't really new or anything, but it's gotten way worse. Every song on 2014 radio is some shittily stitched-up Frankenstein of whatever songs hit the Top 40 in the last decade. Oh, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros really killed it with "Home," so now everyone gets a free hand-clap-and-"hey"-chant combo when they sell their souls! Trap was a pretty cool thing for a few months in 2012, so we should make it the new dubstep breakdown and run it into the ground! Lil Wayne has a funny voice and makes silly noises, so let's all have a funny voice and make silly noises! We don't know what y'all need to do, maybe it's find Jesus or take DMT in the Amazon, but it's time to dig deep and find yourselves before stepping into another booth or booting up that Mac.
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Follow Kat Bein on Twitter @KatSaysKill.