4

Miley Cyrus, America's Worst Twerker: An Extremely Detailed Breakdown

^
Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

America. We're on the brink of war, just moments from disaster, shaking up and down, side to side, hanging out the bottom of some nude-colored shorts.

No, we're not talking about Syria. We're talking about Cyrus -- Miley Cyrus. And while the President fumbles with words and foreign relations, the nation finds itself distracted by the greatest ratchet white-girl story that the world has ever known.

From delusions of grandeur to twerking, from nude swings to rap debuts, Miley Cyrus is the hottest mess Disney has ever produced.

See also: Video Vixen Workout: Seven Steps to Total Twerk Fitness!

Famous Last Words: "They Do Anything For Me"

We're not exactly sure when Ms. Cyrus lost her grip on reality, but it might have been that time she tried Salvia. Anyway, she's a total goner. She was riding high alongside Atlanta buddy Mike Will Made It on the MTV red carpet. Sway interviewed the starlet, who told him all about her big plans. "This is just the beginning of my movement," she blathered. "This is part of a movement that I'm about to create, and my fans have been really a part of it. Go crazy!" Her fans cry out on cue and then she's all, "See, they'll do anything for me," with no hint of irony in her voice. We. Can't. Wait. To see her three years from now.

See also:

-Miley Cyrus (Briefly) Takes Over South Beach's Clevelander Hotel: "Twerk Contest, Anyone?"

Twerk It Out

Here it is, the butt-shake that shook the whole freaking world. What is that tongue doing? It has a life of its own, right? Look at how high those teddy bears are! Look at how flat and weird her ass is. Look at how much she doesn't really know how to twerk. Look at how long we're all talking about this for. We're all to blame for Miley.

We Came Up in This Party, Time to TweeeEEEeeEErk

This bitch is so turnt. She got on the track with Justin Bieber and let it all hang out. Is that even her singing on the chorus? It sounds like some kind of child's toy huffed helium and went to a strip club. Whatever, we are bouncing.

See also:

-Miami's Mad Skrews: "Twerk Is Just a Knock-Off From Booty Music"

Terry Richardson Demands Tits

Now she takes it down a notch with an emotional love song that sounds pretty much like every Katy Perry song we've ever heard. (Doesn't it?) And famous photog Terry Richardson got Miley to tease all her naughty bits, and we get some more flashes of that flat turkey butt. Love it!

Miley's Rap Debut -- It's Real

Alright, so, basically, everything else on this list sucks and this Mike Will Made It song featuring Miley's rap debut is the best thing she's ever done in her entire career. Alongside Juicy J and Wiz Khalifa, Miley finally reaches her ultimate form. She be in the club, standing on the couch, drinking out the bottle and shit. The best part is her backing lines. We kind of hope she stops making pop and just raps forever.

See also:

-Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber "Twerk": An Extremely Detailed Breakdown

Follow Crossfade on Facebook and Twitter @Crossfade_SFL.

Follow Kat Bein on Twitter @KatSaysKill.

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.