America. We're on the brink of war, just moments from disaster, shaking up and down, side to side, hanging out the bottom of some nude-colored shorts.
No, we're not talking about Syria. We're talking about Cyrus -- Miley Cyrus. And while the President fumbles with words and foreign relations, the nation finds itself distracted by the greatest ratchet white-girl story that the world has ever known.
From delusions of grandeur to twerking, from nude swings to rap debuts, Miley Cyrus is the hottest mess Disney has ever produced.
Famous Last Words: "They Do Anything For Me"
We're not exactly sure when Ms. Cyrus lost her grip on reality, but it might have been that time she tried Salvia. Anyway, she's a total goner. She was riding high alongside Atlanta buddy Mike Will Made It on the MTV red carpet. Sway interviewed the starlet, who told him all about her big plans. "This is just the beginning of my movement," she blathered. "This is part of a movement that I'm about to create, and my fans have been really a part of it. Go crazy!" Her fans cry out on cue and then she's all, "See, they'll do anything for me," with no hint of irony in her voice. We. Can't. Wait. To see her three years from now.
Twerk It Out
Here it is, the butt-shake that shook the whole freaking world. What is that tongue doing? It has a life of its own, right? Look at how high those teddy bears are! Look at how flat and weird her ass is. Look at how much she doesn't really know how to twerk. Look at how long we're all talking about this for. We're all to blame for Miley.
We Came Up in This Party, Time to TweeeEEEeeEErk
This bitch is so turnt. She got on the track with Justin Bieber and let it all hang out. Is that even her singing on the chorus? It sounds like some kind of child's toy huffed helium and went to a strip club. Whatever, we are bouncing.
Terry Richardson Demands Tits
Now she takes it down a notch with an emotional love song that sounds pretty much like every Katy Perry song we've ever heard. (Doesn't it?) And famous photog Terry Richardson got Miley to tease all her naughty bits, and we get some more flashes of that flat turkey butt. Love it!
Miley's Rap Debut -- It's Real
Alright, so, basically, everything else on this list sucks and this Mike Will Made It song featuring Miley's rap debut is the best thing she's ever done in her entire career. Alongside Juicy J and Wiz Khalifa, Miley finally reaches her ultimate form. She be in the club, standing on the couch, drinking out the bottle and shit. The best part is her backing lines. We kind of hope she stops making pop and just raps forever.
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Follow Kat Bein on Twitter @KatSaysKill.