We all spend our days slaving away, flipping burgers, serving slop, pouring drinks, hauling trash, driving big rigs, selling cars, cuffing creeps, dancing on poles, counting other people's cash, or tapping data into crappy old desktop computers.
But our nights (and paychecks) are gloriously wasted on cab rides, vodka shots, and the kind of fun we won't remember in the morning.
Enjoy the long weekend, workers. Here are the ten best Labor Day 2013 parties in Miami.
Calvin Harris. With Mednas. Thursday, August 29, 11 p.m., LIV, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-4680; livnightclub.com. Tickets cost $75 to $125 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Even the world's richest DJs once worked shitty day jobs. A decade ago, Calvin Harris was broke and stank like uncooked seafood because he was stuck toiling in a fish market for eight hours a day. But now the EDM wonderboy pulls three-hour shifts, banks $46 million a year, and wakes up smelling like crisp, clean cotton-paper cash.
Stacey Pullen and Jesse Rose. With Thunderpony. Friday, August 30, 11 p.m., Treehouse, 323 23rd St., Miami Beach; 305-614-4478; treehousemiami.com. Tickets cost $10 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Hell yeah, a night at the club can be considered hard labor. As Detroit techno legend Stacey Pullen once explained: "The heat! The strobe! The sweat!"
David Guetta. With Dave Sol. Friday, August 30, 11 p.m., Story, 136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-538-2424; storymiami.com. Tickets cost $75 to $175 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. When French house superstar David Guetta screams, "Fuck me, I'm famous!," don't expect to be compensated for your services. Because "EDM groupie" is never a paid position. The work is its own reward.
Derrick May. With Jonathan Cowan. As part of FDR Fridays. Friday, August 30, 11 p.m., FDR Lounge at the Delano, 1685 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-5752; delano-hotel.com. Tickets cost $15 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. What are the general tasks, functions, and/or responsibilities of a DJ? Pushing buttons? Pumping fists? Picking fun music? No way, if you ask Derrick May, it's a deadly serious gig. As he recently told entertainment site Scene 360: "The audience is my enemy. My job is to destroy them."
Naughty by Nature's Treach and Kaygee. With DJ Kool. Friday, August 30, 11 p.m., Bamboo, 550 Washington., Miami Beach; 305-695-4771; bamboomiamibeach.com. Tickets cost $20 to $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Always wondered what "all the homies" meant by "O.P.P."? Obviously, they were talking about other people's paychecks. And duh, the song was a protest against unequal pay for women.
Craze. With Johnny Terror and Radamas. As part of Base. Saturday, August 31, 10 p.m., Space, 34 NE 11th St., Miami; 305-375-0001; clubspace.com. Tickets cost $20 to $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Success is all about work ethic. Or as local three-time DMC World Champion DJ Craze phrases it: "Playing big tunes, and fuckin' killin it with the vibes!"
Moguai. Sunday, September 1, 11 p.m., Wall at the W Hotel, 2201 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-938-3131; wallmiami.com. Tickets cost $50 to $60 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Fist-pumping is like operating a forklift. Too dangerous to be done under the influence. And you also shouldn't try it without some instruction from an experienced hand. So if you're new to the uhntz-uhntz, don't miss this training sesh with master beat crafter Moguai. He will show you how to go bro without injuring yourself or anybody else.
Martin Solveig. With Dave Sol. Sunday, September 1, 11 p.m., Story, 136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-538-2424; storymiami.com. Tickets cost $30 to $40 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Every hard-hustling DJ needs some stress relief. And for French jock Martin Solveig, it's apparently racquet sports. "I play once a week, every week, wherever I am," he's admitted to USA Today. "I even have my two tennis rackets with me. I just need a partner and a tennis court." Guess that's why he never takes off the goofy headband.
Knife Party. Sunday, September 1, 11 p.m., Mansion, 1235 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-695-8411; mansionmiami.com. Tickets cost $40 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. The number-one rule of Knife Party-ing -- safety first. Hence, this electro-house duo's collection of glittery protective masks. Because you never know when you might mishandle a Ginsu blade while trying to beatmatch by the light of a strobe.
French Montana. With DJs Epps, Griot, and E Feezy. Sunday, September 1, 11 p.m., Bamboo, 550 Washington., Miami Beach; 305-695-4771; bamboomiamibeach.com. Tickets cost $20 to $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. The harsh truth of the capitalist system is everybody's selling themselves. To put it in the words of French Montana, if you want that "hundred large," you better "Work, work, work, work, work, work/What you twerkin' with/Throw it, bust it open."
Happy Labor Day!
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