Our empty nug pouches have been hung from the chimney with care. Our palm trees are tinseled up like sexier, skinnier white pines. And our glowstick menorahs are ablaze.
That's right -- it's holiday season in the MIA. And we, the party people, aren't about to celebrate with family, fruitcake, and a gallon of eggnog. We're going clubbing with a clique of festive potheads, some sexy Santa bros, a near-shtetl of single Jews, a bunch of drunk reindeer, and merrymaking Star Wars villains.
Here are Miami's best Christmas and holiday 2013 parties.
See also: Miami's New Year's Eve 2014 Party Guide
Curren$y's Green Christmas. With DJs Smokey Bear, Willie Biggz, and KD. Hosted by 99 Jamz' Butta P and Terror Squad's Carlito. Thursday, December 19, 8 p.m., Grand Central, 697 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-377-2277; grandcentralmiami.com. Tickets cost $30 and up plus fees viat ticketfly.com. Ages 18 and up. If you've never celebrated the holidays by kickin' it with New Orleans weed rapper Curren$y, rest assured that homie's dreamin' of a Green Christmas, with every big, fat spliff he rolls. The treetops will be burnin'. And everybody will be takin' a bake break. To giggle at that superstoned, cherry-cheeked fat guy passed out in the Grand Central parking lot.
Boris' Holiday Spectacular. With Patrick M. Saturday, December 21, 10 p.m., Space, 34 NE 11th St., Miami; 305-375-0001; clubspace.com. Tickets cost $20 to $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Traditionally, jingle bells go ring-a-ling, ring-a-ling, ring-a-ling. But that's so 20th century, bro. We're living in a way advanced, totally epic era when our jingle bell synths chime like ting, ting, ting at 128 BPMs. Oh, and have you seen Santa lately? Dude got totally ripped, ditched the fat suit, and rocks a man-thong with "Ho! Ho! Ho!" emblazoned across the crotch.
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Matzoball Miami 2013. Tuesday, December 24, 9 p.m., LIV, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-4680; livnightclub.com. Tickets cost $50 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. What's a young, single Jew to do on that silent night when everything is closed for Christmas? Forget crappy Chinese food and an even crappier movie. They be Matzoballin' on South Beach, "developing networking opportunities, long lasting friendships, and romantic relationships" with the help of the Society of Young Jewish Professionals and the fine, chosen people of JDate, "the most popular online Jewish dating community." Mazel tov, Matzoballers!
Churchill's Annual Christmas Special. With Talking Dogs and others. Hosted by Fabio Destroyio. Wednesday, December 25, 9 p.m., Churchill's Pub, 5501 NE Second Ave., Miami; 305-757-1807; churchillspub.com. Ages 18 and up. What the fuck's that clatter? Oh, it's just Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen coming in for a crash landing on the roof of Churchill's Pub. They're all drunk. They're looking to get drunker. And no, they didn't invite Rudolph to this year's reindeer games. So watch out for cloven-hooved retribution in the mosh pit.
Sith-Mas: A Star Wars Christmas Party. With DJs Linder Smash, Kaos, Sweetswirl, JJ Contramus, Danxiety, and Ozwaldus. Friday, December 27, at the Vagabond, 30 NE 14th St., Miami; 305-379-0508; thevagabondmiami.com. Admission is free before midnight. Ages 21 and up. Who knew the Sith Lords, masters of the dark side, dug holiday merrymaking? Also, isn't Luke Skywalker the messiah of the Galactic Empire, not some carpenter from Galilee? Ah, you know, whatever -- there's gonna be Star Wars burlesque and a reading of 'Twas The Night Before Sith-Mas. Hallelujah! Amen! Feel the Force!