When Miami throws an end-of-year blowout, it's guaranteed that everyone is going home broke. And drunk. And accompanied by some creepy-sexy stranger who'll ask for money in the morning.
So if you wanna wake up in 2013 with empty pockets, a booze-damaged brain, and a bed full of hot mess, check out Miami's 13 best New Year's Eve parties!
Tiësto's Club Life. With Cedric Gervais. Sunday, December 30, 11 p.m., Story Nightclub, 136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-479-4426; storymiami.com. Tickets cost $60 to $75 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Make a New Year's resolution that'll actually matter. Dedicate 2013 to livin' the Club Life like Dutch house megastar Tiësto. Supertight, shiny t-shirts! Non-stop bottle service! Personally branded private jets! Fist-pump into next year and begin your mission by uhntz-uhntz-ing away the eve of NYE on South Beach. Humanity will thank you, beat freak.
French Montana's Last Dance. With DJs Camilo, Affect, and Entice. Presented by Prestige Sundays. Sunday, December 30, 11 p.m., Bamboo Miami Beach, 550 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-695-4771; bamboomiamibeach.com. Tickets cost $30 to $50 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Ever fantasize about the filthy particulars of a "Last Dance" on New Year's Eve with Morocco-born, Bronx-raised rapper French Montana? Well, if homie's recent romantic ode to sexual intercourse "Pop That" is any kind of preview, cruise into Bamboo fully prepared to "Work, work, work, work, work, work/What you twerkin' with/Throw it, bust it open."
Dirtybird NYE 2013. With Claude VonStroke, Justin Martin, Kill Frenzy, and J. Phlip. Monday, December 31, 9 p.m., Grand Central, 697 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-377-2277; grandcentralmiami.com. Tickets cost $49 and up plus fees via ticketfly.com. Ages 21 and up. Straight outta San Fran, VonStroke, Mr. Martin, and crew are bumrushing the 305 with ass-blasting beats in honor of 2013. And there are only three real rules for a Dirtybird NYE: (1) Guzzle that bubbly like you're chronically thirsty; (2) Forget your boy- or girlfriend at home; and (3) Make that booty clap!
Carl Cox. Monday, December 31, 9 p.m., Mansion, 1235 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-695-8411; mansionmiami.com. Tickets cost $250 to $20,000 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Yeah, yeah, yeah ... You could pay $250 to enjoy the coming of the New Year like some sorta totally average electronic dance music fan. Or you could max out the credit cards to celebrate like the Cox man with a $20,000 "Your Own Party on the Stage" package, complete with Grey Goose, Moët, and party favors!
Shwayze. With Mike Russ, Gino G, Chris Valencia, and the Problem Kids. Presented by Red Rabbit. Monday, December 31, 9 p.m., Shelborne South Beach, 1801 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-531-1271; shelborne.com. Tickets cost $95 and up plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Are you, as 26-year-old SoCal rapper Aaron Smith (AKA Shwayze) might say, "on your Shway shit"? Will you get drunk off love and champagne on South Beach for NYE? Will you meet a stranger "hot like cashmere"? Will you do it "in public/Let them all see, fuck it"?
Calvin Harris. With Jacob Plant. Monday, December 31, 9 p.m., LIV, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-4680; livnightclub.com. Tickets cost $375 to $18,000 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. After about 28 years' worth of New Year's Eve parties, we all get sorta sick of premium vodka and Dom Perignon. Just like 28-year-old Calvin Harris, who laments: "This is like a flashback/This is like a dream/This is like all the things you can fit/Inside a memory." Still, a potentially epic time with 18 BFFs has gotta be worth $18,000, right? Definitely, bro.
Santigold and Talib Kweli. With DJ Ideal and Dave Sol. Monday, December 31, 9 p.m., Delano Hotel, 1685 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-672-2000; delano-hotel.com. Tickets cost $200 to $500 plus fees via delanosouthbeach.ticketmob.com. Ages 21 and up. Eat a fancy four-course meal. Go swimming in your birthday suit. Suck back a dozen mojitos at the open bar. Pass out in a cozy daybed. Shake ass with indie-dance goddess Santigold and hip-hop legend Talib Kweli. That's NYE at the Delano. Oh, wait ... Did we forget puking up at midnight in the superswank restroom?
Future. Monday, December 31, 9 p.m., Cameo, 1445 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-532-2667; cameomiami.com. Tickets cost $50 to $100,000 and up plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. How hard do y'all ball? When celebrating New Year's Eve with Southern spitter Future on SoBe, there's the "Magic" ($1,500) and "No Matter What" ($2,500) levels, "Turn on the Lights" ($5,000) ultra VIP table, and the "Tony Montana" ($25,000) package. But you just ain't a boss till you drop $100,000 on the "In the Studio With Future" deal, which comes with 70 bottles of booze and a four-person mo'fuckin' meet-and-greet.
Kaskade. With Digital Lab. Monday, December 31, 9 p.m., Story Nightclub, 136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-479-4426; storymiami.com. Tickets cost $275 and up plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Who could've guessed that EDM would explode in 2012? Not Kaskade. As the electronic dance music trailblazer told New Times: "I was never one of those guys who was good at reading the crystal ball." So Mr. K's modest prediction for the next 365 days: Peace, love, unity, respect. Keep the future PLUR, kids.
Drake. With Kayper. Monday, December 31, 9 p.m., Fontainebleau Miami Beach, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-538-2000; fontainebleau.com. Tickets cost $250 and up plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Who is every girlfriend's favorite rapper? No doubt, it's supersensitive tough guy Aubrey Drake Graham. That's why surprising your pretty little GF with tix to Drizzy's NYE is a very dangerous idea. He will exclude you from the VIP. He will charm your lady with his favorite drink, the Sprite-and-wine spritzer. And he will take her to a private poolside cabana for a cuddling sesh. Oh yeah, Drake will steal the best you ever had. Just ask Chris Brown.
Pitbull. With special guests. Monday, December 31, 9 p.m., American Airlines Arena, 601 Biscayne Blvd., Miami; 786-777-1000; aaarena.com. Tickets cost $52 to $192 and up plus fees via ticketmaster.com. Ages 21 and up. When Dat Lil' Chico wants to wish all of Dade County "¡Prospero Año Nuevo!," he's gotta rent out a huge-ass party place. You know, like a freaking basketball arena. And obviously, if you're straight off la esquina, there's nowhere that you'd rather ring in 2013 than Armando Cristian Pérez's celebración at the AAA, sucking down a colada toast and singing "que no pare la fiesta" as La Gran Naranja drops at midnight. ¡Daleee!
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Afrojack's Day One. With Bobby Burns. Tuesday, January 1, 11 p.m., LIV, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-4680; livnightclub.com. Tickets cost $75 to $125 and up plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. When you're built like this 25-year-old, six-foot-ten, 250-pound Dutch house jock, it ain't no thang to get totally jacked on two consecutive nights. So yeah, if you happen to be a clubber who's built like a linebacker, go guzzle entire bottles of Belvedere vodka at Afrojack's New Year's Day rave. Everyone else, stay home and cry off your NYE hangover.
Deadmau5's New Year's Day. With Chris Lake and GTA. Tuesday, January 1, 11 p.m., Story Nightclub, 136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-479-4426; storymiami.com. Tickets cost $125 and up plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Only 24 hours after the Mau5head descends on 2012, it'll be back on the Rodent King's shoulders. And he will be serving up hot goops of electro cheese on South Beach. Happy New Year, club rats!