Happy Cinco de Mayo, cabrón! But forget fake Mexican food like nachos, burritos, fajitas, chimichangas, and Taco Bell’s Doritos Cheesy Gordita Crunch. The only honest way to celebrate this holiday (especially considering it was most recently popularized in the United States as a way to sell cerveza to gringos) is endless Tecates, an extra-large bottle of tequila, and a whole night’s worth of mariachi booty bass remixes at a local nightclub.
Like so many party cities across America just looking for an excuse to don cheap Mexican getups while getting más borracho, the streets of Miami are already teeming with Cinco de Mayo celebrants. There are the señoritas in sombreros and belly tops. The beefy bros in lucha libre masks and red/green boxer briefs. The weird guy in a giant chupacabra costume. And tonight, they will fiesta. Here is Miami’s Cinco de Mayo 2015 party guide. Cinco de Mayo Ladies Night. With two-for-one Cinco de Mayo happy hour from 3 to 8 p.m., as well as free drinks for ladies from 10 p.m. to 1:30 a.m., plus a special performance by Magnus Sodamin and sets by Dani Champagne, DJ Woozles, Sloter, and Henry Zelaya, along with Dias de Los Muertos face painting by Juju Pie. 3 p.m. to 5 a.m. Tuesday, May 5, at Blackbird Ordinary, 729 SW First Ave., Miami; 305-671-3307; blackbirdordinary.com. No cover.
Aura the Band’s Cinco de Mayo. With Seizure Machine, plus a Cinco de Mayo happy hour. 4 p.m. to 3 a.m. Jada Coles, 2845 Coral Way, Miami; 786-391-3701; jadacoles.com. No cover.
Cinco de Mayo Fiesta at The Vagabond Hotel’s Pool Bar. With music by Suhragov, plus $3 tacos, $4 chips and guacamole, and $8 Milagro Tequila drinks. 5 p.m. to 9 p.m. Tuesday, May 5, at Vagabond Hotel, 7301 Biscayne Blvd., Miami; 305-400-8420; thevagabondhotel.com. No cover.
Cinco de Mayo Brickell Fest. With DJ Irie, mariachi bands, and mini luchadores. 6 p.m. Tuesday, May 5, at American Social, 690 SW First Ct., Miami; 305-223-7004; americansocialbar.com. Tickets cost $36 to $56 plus fees. Visit brickellfestival.com.
Wood Tavern’s Taco Tuesday: Cinco de Mayo Edition. With free tacos from 6 to 9 p.m. ($1 after), as well as music from Champion Sound’s Three Amigos, AKA Sire, Contra, and A-Train, along with DJ Corey Chase, plus $5 Sauza reposada margaritas, $7 Dos Equis and Hornitos shot, and $5 Tres Generaciones Anejo shots. 6 p.m. to 3 a.m. Tuesday, May 5, at Wood Tavern, 2531 NW Second Ave., Miami; 305-748-2828; woodtavernmiami.com. No cover.
Sidebar’s Cinco De Mayo. With DJ Rob Riggs with #SideCar tacos and a Cinco de Mayo happy hour. 6 p.m. Tuesday, May 5, at Sidebar, 337 SW Eighth St., Miami; 786-703-6973; facebook.com/sidebarmiami. No cover.
Coyo Taco's Cinco de Mayo Block Party. With Quantic and mariachi bands, plus luchador matches starring Mexico's Blue Demon Jr. at 6:30, 7:30, and 8:30 p.m. on the back patio, as well as $5 taco, ceviche, margarita, beer, and cochinita pibil pig roast specials. Tuesday, May 5, at Coyo Taco, 2300 NW Second Ave., Miami; 305-573-8228; coyotaco.com. Tickets cost $10.
Cinco de Mayo at the Gale. With music by Pirate Stereo and Fox Brothers, plus piñatas and a tequila station and build-your-own margarita bar. 6 p.m. to 11 p.m. Tuesday, May 5, at Gale Rooftop at Gale South Beach, 1690 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-673-0199; galehotel.com. Admission is free.
Tom Laroc and Drinko de Mayo. With a Tequila Avión mixology class from 7 to 8 p.m., followed by a DJ set from Tom Laroc. 7 p.m. to 5 a.m. Tuesday, May 5, at Radio Bar, 814 1st St., Miami Beach; 305-397-8382; radiosouthbeach.com.
Sabroso! Cinco de Mayo. With moombahton and tropical bass from Happy Colors, Mendez, DJR, Chato, Maah3z, Jared Cole, Skyscrape, Naybr, Guilty Verdict, Monteblack, and Toro, plus $3 Tecate beer and $5 tequila. 8 p.m. Tuesday, May 5, at Kill Your Idol, 222 Española Way, Miami Beach; 305-534-1009. No cover.
Planeta Macho’s “Homenage” to Juan Gabriel. A Cinco de Mayo tribute to the Mexican pop star by Carlos Daniels and His Mariachi at Miami’s best gay club. Hosted by Teresita LaCaliente and Marco Perez, with DJ George Ferrero, plus $9 Julio Tequila margaritas and $4 Dos Equis. Tuesday, May 5, at Score Nightclub, 1437 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-535-1111; scorebar.net.
Slap & Tickle Cinco de Mayo. With Darius, plus residents Pirate Stereo and Santiago Caballero. 10 p.m. Tuesday, May 5, at Bardot, 3456 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-576-7750; bardotmiami.com. Tickets cost $20 plus fees via showclix.com.
Favela Beach’s Cinco de Mayo. With DJ Irie, plus residents Ruen and Reid Waters. 11:55 p.m. Tuesday, May 5, at Wall Lounge, 2201 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-938-3131; wallmiami.com. No cover with RSVP to RSVP@wallmiami.com.
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