We in Miami, bitch.
And we're beer-bongin' Coors Light at 11 a.m. on South Beach while riding a stolen DecoBike with our tits out, a brand-new bleeding tattoo disappearing into the crack of that fat ass, and a gut full of Starburst, naked Hooters wings, and Jell-o shots.
That's why, according to CoEdMagazine.com, our city is the seventh trashiest spring break destination in America.
Explaining its complex methodology, the think tank over at CoEd Mag writes: "Spring Break is a time-honored American tradition that involves binge-drinking, tail chasing, passing out on the beach and all the hangovers you should expect from such wild behavior.
"Since you only get one shot at Spring Break each year, we thought we'd help you plan your trip by ranking the trashiest 15 destinations in the United States ... on criteria that include Girls Gone Wild, bike weeks, Hooters, tattoo parlors, etc."
Smacking up cities like San Diego (No. 15) and New Orleans (No. 14) as well as four other Floridian spring break spots, the MIA sadly still lags in trashiness to Lake Havasu (No. 6), Orlando (No. 5), Myrtle Beach (No. 4), Daytona Beach (No. 3), and South Padre Island (No. 2) -- not to mention our much-maligned municipal nemesis, the U.S.'s No. 1 skeeziest and sleaziest destination, Las Vegas.
America's Top 15 Trashiest Spring Break Destinations: 2013 Edition
According to Coedmagazine.com
1. Las Vegas
2. South Padre Island, Texas
3. Daytona Beach
4. Myrtle Beach, S.C.
6. Lake Havasu, Ariz.
8. Panama City Beach, Fla.
9. Key West
10. Fort Myers
12. Virginia Beach, Va.
13. Scottsdale, Ariz.
14. New Orleans
15. San Diego
So ... Congratulations, Miami, Florida! Our city has been named the seventh "trashiest spring break destination" in all of America!
But we can do worse. Or better. Or whatever. In fact, we've slipped a whole spot since last year's CoEd Mag rankings.
Here's to a trashier 2014.