What the hell is wrong with you, America?
Look at you, sitting there covered in Cheeto dust, hearts pumping pure Coca-Cola, and you're making fun of this nation's beautiful pop tarts because they happen to put on 25 pounds?
We here at Crossfade are tired of these finger-pointing, gut-busting shenanigans. Every time we step into the grocery store line, check up on our gossip blogs, flip through the cable television trash, all we see are haters picking on perfectly gorgeous ladies.
Well, now you're hearing it from us.
OK ... So you think Christina Aguilera is a fat powder puff? You actually prefer her as the anorexic genie bottle bitch who wasn't comfortable being herself? You think she needs to be assless all up in a pair of chaps?
We're sorry, but we thought this was about music for a minute. Guess it's not good enough to be the best singer of your generation and curvy at the same time. By these standards, Adele should go kill herself because there's no hope.
What's even worse is the way you treat Lady Gaga. The Fame Monster may be "too big" to walk the runway, but this woman can't possibly have weighed more than 150 pounds in her entire life. And now you're calling her fat 'cause she's got a little lady tummy?
Get real. This bitch is killin' it every night on stage in heels you will never be able to afford. And now you really look like an asshole, because it turns out she's been struggling with anorexia and bulimia since she was 15. She wasn't born that way, you turned her on herself.
But Jessica Simpson really takes the cake. Wait, so pregnant ladies aren't supposed to gain weight? They're supposed to obsess over how they look in tabloids while peeing every five seconds and being on the wildest hormone roller coaster of their entire adult lives? They're supposed to watch what they eat, even though an actual person is literally feeding off of them from inside their bodies?
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It's OK to make fun of someone in the public eye for not knowing what tuna fish is, but it's not cool to rip someone to pieces during one of the most transformative and nurturing experiences they'll ever experience. Having a baby is scary enough. And you filthy paparazzi sell-out culture vultures are going to give a girl a complex.
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Listen up, America. Have you looked in a mirror lately? Stepped on a scale? You're the Kool-Aid man of the supermarket aisle that is planet Earth, bro. You're nothing but gooey, red sugar-juice hollerin' "Oh yeah" without a shirt on. All of your concepts of beauty are fake anyway. Paris Hilton doesn't even look like Paris Hilton in real life.
It's this kind of attitude that makes little girls grow up thinking they're never good enough for a man that will treat them with respect. It's because of your unattainable standards that Nicki Minaj has ass implants and still talks a big game about "it's more than looks." It's because of your sick cycle of self-hatred that your daughter eats her feelings then cries about it.
Stop the bullying, yo. As long as they're talented, enriching your lives with music and entertainment, let the pop tarts eat what they want. For a better America.