Oh, no! Did you guys hear the news?Justin Bieber
are no longer pop's cutest power couple.
The adorable pair just called it quits, which is standard fare for an artist making the transition from boyish heartthrob to sexy man-ass. But if Crossfade's totally fabricated timeline is correct, this is only the first in a long line of events that will totally strip the Biebz of his clean-cut innocence.
We can see the whole tragic thing playing out before us ... Partying with whores, lots of drugs, trouble with the law, a bad acting career, and an untimely death await our youthful hero. Join us as we journey into Justin's dark future, and remember who called it when "Lil Swaggy" ends up doing time.
The Break Up
Historians will remember this as the moment Justin Bieber's life took a strange turn. Up until now, the YouTube star has been rather Disney-friendly. But turning 18 means growing up, and a life on the road means growing apart. As Bieber cranks up the sex appeal and releases a more mature album, his teenage relationship falls apart. Gomez retreats into relative obscurity, while Bieber's fame sky-rockets.
Bands A Make Her Dance
Though he puts on a smile for the cameras, Bieber is hurting inside. He turns to his friends in the rap community to show him a good time. He begins making surprising appearances at Miami's King of Diamonds with a thuggish crew, including 2 Chainz, Tyga, and Rick Ross. The boy wonder learns how to make it rain with Juicy J while Drake shows him how to dull the pain with a bootylicious mistress. One night, he drinks a little too much and jumps on the KOD stage with one of the girls, gyrating on her hips and motor-boating her ass, making for a scandalous uproar on TMZ, Perez Hilton, Crossfade, and the like.
Lil Swaggy Rap Debut
Of course, all this Ciroc tippin' and rack strippin' leads Bieber to believe that putting out a rap album is a good idea. He hits the studio with famous friends like Usher, Kanye West, and Lil Wayne. Shit, even Tyler the Creator gets in on the Biebz's rappin' debut, Switch Up. It sells like hotcakes and helps cement his transition from pop crooner to ruggish rude boy, but he still sings on the hooks and includes a couple heartfelt solo tracks, so as not to totally lose his white-bread fan base. He's praised for his originality, and for successfully bridging the gap between the worlds of rap and bubblegum pop.
But no superstar is satisfied with challenging themselves in only one medium. And Bieber's success in the rap game leads him to try other things, like acting. Instead of going the traditional rom-com route, he teams up with Martin Lawrence to star as the nerdy, wanna-be gangster from the suburbs who tries to hit the streets and become a real killer in a hysterically bizarre coming-of-age spoof. His army of Beliebers takes it to the top. But by now, the Biebz is gathering a new crowd of fans.
Bieber has an incredible 21st birthday party at LIV where he becomes tremendously trashed. Paparazzi snap some pics of the superstar puking in a garbage can on his way out of the club. But he turns that bad press into an opportunity when he starts hawking Canadian Club Whisky with the tagline, "Anything Else Makes Me Sick." He also starts his own line of urban outfits for scrawny white guys, Burban Brand Clothing. He's spotted all over the world rockin' his Burban and getting rowdy in public. Some gossip columnists begin to wonder if he's partying a little too hard.
"But It's Legal in Canada!"
Lil Swaggy's thuggish behavior starts to upset some of his more wholesome fans, and cops in America's heartland start cracking down on his legendary tour shenanigans. He's pulled over and searched on a Georgia highway while riding the tour bus to a show in Florida. Officers discover a whole ounce of the sticky-icky on board. He tries to make excuses for his behavior, famously quoting that in his homeland, no one would think twice about rolling up on the road. To beat the charges, Swaggy does a little community service and films a PSA about the dangers of smoking.
Blowin' Money Fast
Bieber is rolling in the dough and he can't spend it fast enough. He begins to take cues from his idol MJ, buying up the most ridiculous crap imaginable. He purchases a set of platinum spinners, diamond-encrusted water guns, commissions molds of 17 stripper booties, and a fourteen-inch bejeweled pendant in the likeness of himself, all while personally financing the most expensive music video of all time. When asked on set about his flagrant spending habits, the Biebz simply replies, "It's like my boy Drake said, 'Ain't like you can take it with you.'"
But the party comes to a screeching halt just before the singer's 22nd birthday. His Los Angeles home is raided and his signature platinum spinners are stolen, among other personal items. Bieber beefs up his security, but he runs into serious trouble when a random search of his bags at the Seattle airport turns up a bunch of semi-automatic weapons. There's no escaping the rap this time, and Bieber is locked up for a total of one year and three months. No one is quite sure what happened to him on the inside, but his boyish smile is gone forever and the superstar never fully recovers.
The singer trudges through a few more years, releasing a very dark post-jail record that sells millions of copies but scares a lot of young girls. Instead of a media darling, the Biebz becomes a target for gossip sites who love to tell the tale of the good-boy-gone-bad. He retreats into himself, drinking incredible amounts of Canadian Club in public and burning through a few short-lived relationships with messy starlets and one notable porn queen. At 26, Bieber goes into seclusion. No one sees him for six months, besides a few paparazzi shots that show the star undergoing rapid weight loss. Then one morning, his body is found inside his L.A. home, lifeless after an apparent meth overdose. Cops discover the Biebz while investigating a call of suspicious activity from neighbors, as hooded individuals were seen coming and going, apparently robbing the home of its most valuable possessions.
In Loving Memory
As soon as Bieber is discovered, the news lights up with remembrances of the good old days, before the jail time and excessive drug use. MTV and YouTube host a "Looking Back" special, streaming and showing all his best video clips, from those first days as a pre-pubescent youngster to his elaborate, increasingly expensive music videos. He's embraced by both suburban and urban fans as someone who helped bring the two worlds together in harmony, a symbol of success for those with low beginnings. Burban Brand Clothing releases a line of over-sized white tees bearing the singer's airbrushed likeness. His remaining belongings are auctioned off, the highest bid going to the pipe that killed him.
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Teenage lover Selena Gomez, now fat and almost unrecognizable, attends the funeral with her third and youngest child. She publically mourns the loss but leaves early, giving no comment.
But then Bieber is resurrected! And he reveals that it's all just a viral marketing stunt for his comeback album!
The Biebz is dead! Long live the Biebz!