Jukebox Hero

We've seen men lose their lives for playing the wrong Styx tune at the wrong time. And frankly they deserved it. When you're out at a bar, sliding a buck into a jukebox comes with great responsibility. For a few minutes you directly effect the mood of the entire crowd. Choose a bad song or string together an ill-advised set list, and you screw up the whole night for everybody. Lucky for you, we're here to help. Jukebox etiquette is highly important, and this crash course will get you up to speed in no time. Follow these simple rules and you'll be a jukebox hero.

1. Absolutely no sad songs.
No one goes to a bar to share your pain. Your dog died? You lost your job? Someone said you look like Terry Bradshaw — and you're a chick? These are all legitimate reasons to get loaded. But we go to a bar to forget our problems. We're not there to become ensnared in another loser's crappy day. If you want to shed a tear listening to "My Mind's Playing Tricks on Me" after catching your girlfriend going down on her parole officer, do everyone a favor and stay home. No one needs you killing their buzz. That's what last call is for.

2. Never play the same song twice in one night.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we all know Three 6 Mafia's "Stay Fly" is the shit. So it's not necessary for you to jam that tune — or any other song — more than once in a night. The thrill of the jukebox lies in not knowing what's coming next. And with such a huge pool of songs to select from, there's no need for reruns.

3. Avoid these must-retire tunes at all costs:
• Bob Marley, "No Woman No Cry": This song is pretty much covered by Rule #1, but it deserves an added warning, 'cause it's hands-down the most overplayed tune in the history of the jukebox. Seriously, if we hear this song one more time, we'll be the ones crying.

• Van Morrison, "Brown Eyed Girl": Give your lady a dollar for the juke, and nine out of ten times she'll select this song. Try it. Better yet, don't.

• Rolling Stones, "Sympathy for the Devil": Show a little sympathy for your fellow drinkers and resist the urge.

• Dave Matthews Band, "What Would You Say": We'd say it's about time to fit this one with some concrete boots and head for the nearest body of water.

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Jason Bracelin

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