It's on! Guitar-slingin' Petri dishJohn Mayer
is supposedly datingKaty Perry
. Hearing about this combination of America's favorite sugar-frosted singer and Mayer is about as appetizing as munching on a strawberry Pop Tart that's been used as a urinal cake.
According to femalefirst.co.uk, Mayer has been squiring Perry around Los Angeles and the two had an intimate pizza party at her house. Bet you a tenner that Mayer tried the ol' cut-a-hole-in-the-bottom-of-the-pizza-box-and-put-it-on-your-lap trick.
In a way, the pairing makes good practical sense. If Perry didn't need to go to a sanitarium after spending all that time with Russell Brand's speckled loins, she's probably one of the few living humans who could survive the shrieking Outbreak monkey that Mayer's got between his legs. In the event of some kind of biowarfare apocalypse, stick close to Perry; we're going to need her blood to develop the vaccine.
Seriously, in the same way that the two people who know the Coca-Cola recipe aren't allowed on the same plane, John Mayer isn't allowed to enter the building where the CDC keeps its archive of doomsday germs and viruses. Doesn't Mayer just look like the kind of guy who would say, "I don't need to wrap it up, baby. I dipped this thing in Thompson's Water Seal right before you came over," and be telling the truth?
The whole thing is made more complicated by the fact that Mayer famously mistreated Perry's friend, Taylor Swift, who fired back with "Dear John," a song that frapped Mayer with his own venomous schlong while adding the insult of being better than anything in his catalogue.
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Last month, Carly Rae Jepsen gushed that John Mayer sent her a handwritten note in a wooden box to congratulate her when she hit the top of the charts. And now nude photos of her are being shopped around. Coincidence?
Stop corrupting our pop star ingenues, John Mayer! They are our most precious resource and pretty much the only thing we manufacture in this country anymore. Can't you go to China for a while or something? It's an election year, dude. Obama needs this.