If you think that radio's only shortcomings are (1) the musicians aren't playing live for you and (2) the lack of heat mirages rising off a vast field of tanned European buttocks -- well, things are about to change for you, friend.
On June 29 and 30, iHeartRadio, Clear Channel's digital radio service, is teaming up with the Fontainebleau Miami Beach to bring you big radio hits in the flesh and lots of glistening flesh in the flesh. The poolside weekend leading up to the Fourth of July will be fleshier than anything Ben Franklin or any of our other pervy founding fathers could ever have imagined.
But it won't be only U.S.A. and T&A. On Saturday afternoon, Calvin Harris will be DJing by the pool. And then, after the sequined evening thongs are donned, there will be live sets by Maroon 5, Flo Rida, and Gym Class Heroes.
There will be a "special appearance" by Enrique Iglesias too. So turn up your radio and come along as we explore how these artists will soundtrack your Independence Day romances while also being lusty partners in them, much as the French were ours during the revolution.
Where will he appear? Will you look up from your daiquiri-stained sudoku to see him pulling your cabana curtains closed from the inside? Will he rattle a Tic-Tac box he has produced from his bulging dong sling and say, "Querida, let me show you where the mole went. And, more importantly, where it is going"?
Preparations: Reserve a cabana, order a daiquiri, fill random numbers into your sudoku to impress Enrique
Worse Case Scenario: Gamma rays hit the mole and it comes to life, swallowing South Beach before getting nuked by the Air Force in an amazing fireworks show.
This DJ-producer has been behind some of the best dance-floor fillers of recent years. So what if he is causing controversy by not singing his own songs live when he plays them during DJ sets? How is he supposed to sing and scan the crowd for primo tail like you? Not everyone can be The Wiggles, after all. Instead, Harris will lock eyes with you as you're making your way across the pool on your kickboard.
"I may have created disco," he'll mouth to you from behind the decks, "but swim closer if you want to see what you've created." When you reach him, he will look down and you'll see he has a camera-phone shot of how your towel and sunglasses on the chaise accidentally look like a smiley face. Then he'll make furious love to you atop his DJ equipment as everyone stands around awkwardly, the music having stopped long ago.
Preparations: Carefully arrange your sunglasses and towel into a smiley face, rent a kickboard from the Fontainebleau spa.
Worst Case Scenario: You get out of the pool and accidentally knock over all the kickboards belonging to an outlaw kickboard gang and they topple in sequence like so many dominos. When the gang notices, they beat you to death with their pool noodles.
Gym Class Heroes
Frontman Travie McCoy and band are known for mixing hip-hop attitude with live rock backing. What they aren't known for is whispering the poems of Rumi into fan's ears while all eight of their hands give you a full body massage. And yet that's what's going to happen when you, looking for the bathroom, accidentally walk into their backstage area.
"I think I'm in the wrong place," you stammer. "Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field," Travie says, shaking his head. "I will meet you there." True to his word, Travie and the band meet you in that field and the rest is well, as Rumi said, "too squishy to be understood by anyone who was not there."
Preparations: Drink a lot of water, put on bug spray.
Worst Case Scenario: Those jerks never show up to the field!
There you'll be, enjoying one of his many, many summer jams when Flo Rida reaches down to you from the stage. You'll be mid-bite into one of the Fontainebleau's awesome marshmallow-stuffed ice cream bars and will accidentally smear it across your face. "Hey," Flo Rida will say. "You make me wish I'd called my song 'Ice Cream Bar' instead of 'Whistle'."
"But that doesn't make any sense," you'll argue, a melting glob of ice cream falling from your mouth in a particularly disgusting way. "Shhh ... I know what I'm talking about," Flo Rida will counter. "According to my Wikipedia page, I majored in International Business Management at UNLV and I'm about to manage your international business." "But Flo Rida!" "Shhh..."
Preparations: Get an ice cream bar and wait.
Worst Case Scenario: You eat the ice cream, Flo Rida doesn't notice you, and you go swimming to wash the glob of ice cream off your belly.
All of the European models crowd the stage and you're left over by the bin for used towels, glum and unloved. Mid-song, Adam Levine spots you in the shadows and asks security to escort you to the stage. "Could you even hear us back there?" he asks. "I didn't need to. I know all your songs by heart," you say. "What was that one?" "The one about the guy who is sad all of the time even though he dates lots of models."
Adam, sweet Adam, wipes a tear from his eye and nods. "Press your ear against my abs," he says. The acoustics formed by their curves are better than those in Frank Gehry's New World Center. When the concert ends, Adam must jet off to the next city. But his assistant hands you a bottle of Cipro with a thank you note tucked inside that compliments you on your eyes, even if it doesn't mention what color they are or how many you have.
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Preparations: Take out your earrings
Worst Case Scenario: The assistant forgets the Cipro and a strange rash starts at your ear, spreading across your body until you have to beg a beach vagrant to hit you over the head with a rock and not to stop until he can't lift the rock anymore.
iHeatRadio Ultimate Pool Party. Friday, June 29, to Saturday, June 30. Fontainebleau Miami Beach, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. Three-night hotel packages cost $400 to $800 plus fees. Call 305-538-2000 or visit fontainebleau.com.