Of all the places in America that should possess an encyclopedic understanding of what it means to "dance in a sexually provocative manner while in a squat, thrusting the hips and popping that booty," we'd expect the 305 to be numero uno con ese culo.
And yet it seems that we were just as befuddled by the twerk fad of 2014 as the rest of them skinny-bum chumps across this clueless, Caucasian-majority country.
The proof: We asked Google "how to twerk," like, a billion times.
There's actually no exact number for how often that 305ers sought the Internet's advice on shaking ass. (Of course, we here at Crossfade have formally requested the stats.)
But according to Google's 14th annual Year in Search report, we Miamians are also incompetent when it comes to swapping spit, throwing fists, and seducing strangers.
Oh, and we suck at keeping a tune, rhyming over a beat, and making percussive sounds with our mouths.
Miami's Most Googled "How To" Searches of 2014
1. How to draw
2. How to twerk
3. How to sing
4. How to meditate
5. How to kiss
6. How to rap
7. How to beatbox
8. How to fight
9. How to fish
10. How to flirt
As far as other search categories, 305ers are much less butt- and/or music-obsessed. (Check the next page for the rest of Google's Miami report.)
Except when it comes to Ultra Music Festival, which took the five spot among "Miami's Top Trending Events/News of 2014."
The EDM fest ranked just behind "World Cup," "Ebola Airlines," and "Malaysia Airlines." But it beat "Black Friday 2014," "NBA Playoffs 2014," "Oscars 2014," "Ferguson," and "Olympics."
(In your face, shopping addicts, Miami Heat fans, film snobs, champions of social justice, and people who love to luge.)
Still... We should be deeply ashamed, Miami. 'Cause, like, for real, "how to twerk"?
To paraphrase 2 Live Crew's Uncle Luke: "We invented this shit."
See also: The 10 People Who Won't Make It in Miami
Miami's Top Trending Searches of 2014
1. World Cup
2. Robin Williams
4. Joan Rivers
5. Malaysia Airlines
6. Philip Seymour Hoffman
7. Miami Spice 2014
9. Monica Spear
10. Flappy bird.
Miami's Top Trending "What Is" Searches of 2014
1.What is ALS?
2. What is Ebola?
3. What is life?
4. What is coding?
5. What is VPN?
6. What is oxycontin?
7. What is ISIS?
8. What is Uber?
9. What is gravity?
10. What is DNA?
Miami's Top Trending Events/News of 2014
1. World Cup
3. Malaysia Airlines
4. Miami Spice 2014
5. Ultra 2014
6. Black Friday 2014
7. NBA Playoffs 2014
8. Oscars 2014
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
Crossfade's Top Blogs