Happy Birthday, Alice Cooper! Three Farcical Encounters With the King of Shock Rock

Crossfade's favorite shock rocker, Alice Cooper, turns 63 today. And even though he's probably out at some exclusive country club working on his celebrity golf game, we like the image of vintage Alice that involves prop blood, live chickens, and nightly decapitations.

So to celebrate AC's birthday, Crossfade decided to make a list. But not just any list, rather a collection of three absolutely farcical encounters we've had with Cooper over the last several years. They involve everything from boa constrictors to new born babies to bizarre backstage antics. None of the following events actually happened, but it'd be pretty damn cool if they did.

Without any further adieu, enjoy Three Farcical Encounters with Alice Cooper.

Alice, Crossfade, and a Boa Constrictor Have Dinner...In Hell

Crossfade was sitting alone at the counter of a small diner in Hell, a small town in southeastern California when in walks Alice freaking Cooper.

"Anyone sitting here," he asked, pointing at an empty chair immediately to our left.

"No," we said, "Please, take a seat."

Alice settled into the chair and started to unzip jacket. "I hope you don't mind, but I'm about to pull out my giant snake," he said.

"Whoa, what?" we asked. "That's fucking gross, keep that shit in your pants, hombre."

"Not that snake," he replied, "this one."

Alice pulled out a large boa constrictor from a black leather duffel bag, placed it on the counter, and then casually asked the waitress about the specials.

"Sir, you can't bring that in here," she said.

"Listen, the snake's not going anywhere. Now tell me what your damn specials are."

The waitress nervously ran down the list of specials, took both our orders, and even brought the snake a rat from the kitchen.

Alice, the snake and Crossfade spent the rest of the night sharing stories and drinking milkshakes. It was super rock and roll.

Alice Delivers a Baby, Eats Placenta

After meeting Alice in Hell, we exchanged phone numbers and developed a friendship. He invited us to join him on tour in Japan, and on the plane ride to Tokyo, a woman went into labor.

"Can anyone deliver this baby?" a flight attendant yelled.

Calmly removing his headphones, Alice replied, "It's been a while, but I think I can."

Much to everyone's surprise, Alice got up from his first-class seat, walked over to the pregnant woman, told her to spread her legs and push. No more than 11 minutes later, the sound of a newborn baby crying filled the cabin. It was quickly muffled by roaring applause from the airplane's passengers.

Alice smiled graciously, held the newborn in his arms, and wrote a song about the whole experience in a matter of seconds. It was beautiful.

A few minutes later, mom pushed out the placenta, and without missing a beat, Cooper picked it up and ate it. It was Crossfade's most memorable flight.

Alice Has Backstage Orgy with AARP Calendar Girls

After watching Alice deliver a baby and subsequently eat the placenta, we thought no other AC moment would top that. We were wrong.

We'd received a text from Alice's manager asking us to attend a sold-out show in Boca. Excited to catch up with our old friend, we quickly RSVP'd, filled our tank and made the trek up to Palm Beach County.

We arrived about an hour before the show, caught the band's sound check, and managed to grab a bite to eat with Alice and his snake before he took the stage.

"Make sure you still around until after the show," he said. "It's going to be a wild night."

After "decapitating" himself on stage to end the show, Alice ran backstage and into the greenroom where Crossfade waited. "Alright, you ready to see something nuts."

We followed him into another room backstage, turned on the lights, and in all of their AARP glory, 12 elderly women sat naked on an oversized bed, flirtatiously twirling their white hair.

Our jaws dropped like a set of old women boobs. Part of us wanted to stay and watch the spectacle, the other half wanted to vomit. Alice, on the other hand, was all for it.

"C'mon, these girls are fun," he said. "Let's party like rock stars."

"Actually, Alice, I think we're going to bail."

"Suit yourself," he said, "more for Mr. Cooper."

We shook hands, and parted ways knowing wholeheartedly that Alice Cooper is the coolest motherfucker in music.

Happy birthday, Alice.

Follow Crossfade on Facebook and Twitter @Crossfade_SFL.

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Victor Gonzalez
Contact: Victor Gonzalez