The King, the King of Pop, and half of the Fab Four are spinning in their graves. Somehow, in these terribly confused times, the Glee singers managed to place on the Billboard Hot 100 with the more songs than... You're sitting down? Good, 'cause this sucks: anyone ever.
4. Is the Whole Country My Mom and Her Middle-Aged Gay Friends?
3. Did No One's Parents Make Them Listen to Elvis or the Beatles?
Sure, it's your job as a parent to feed and clothe your children, but you also need to impart upon them good taste. Seriously. You're responsible for introducing your children to Sgt. Pepper, Billie Jean and a Big Hunk O' Burning Love. Gen Xers were raised listening to their parents' Motown, we appreciate good music. What are these young people growing up with? Billy Ray Cyrus? God help us all. Put on the oldies station for fuck's sake.
2. Has imitation trumped creative talent?
Not only does it seem like Justin Bieber is bigger than Jesus (beating out the Beatles, of course), but people pretending to be Bieber are even bigger than bigger than Jesus! Holy smokes. It's like everyone wants to skip the delicious feast and go straight to a vile sticky sweet dessert.
To offer the King more credit, he was two years into his career when the Billboard charts were launched. Otherwise, he probably wouldn't have fallen so easily to these show tunes-y monsters. Still, though, the most frightening part is that they've managed to beat out Elvis in under two years. This is a travesty, which leads us to our next question...
1. Is this proof that the impending apocalypse is well-deserved?
There is no question that this proves we deserve it. Fuck global warming. The fact that Rachel Berry's version of Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" is more popular than "Love Me Tender" is proof it's time to STOP believing. The reason the birds are falling out of the sky and the fish are flinging themselves ashore isn't firecrackers or disease, it was Rachel's siren wails, heralding the end of days. Those of us who still have discerning tastes will spend the last few years of our lives remembering good old music in Heartbreak Hotel. The rest of you can go screw yourselves to the tune of "Umbrella/Singin' in the Rain."