Maybe we were born too late. Or in the wrong part of the country. But quintessential '80s hair-metal extravaganza rockers KISS have always come off as kinda goofy.
Alice Cooper, The Stooges, Black Sabbath ... Now there's some blues-derived din that knew how to get down with underground darkness. By comparison, KISS just seems like a Disney Land rock 'n' roll simulacrum.
Anyway, Gene Simmons -- KISS bassist, vocalist, frontman, and he of the mile-long forked tongue -- has been talking a lot of shit lately, even starting beef with Madonna in an effort to crack the Top 100 on Google Trends. Here is an embarrassing look back at this windbag's top five feuds.
Gene Simmons vs. Shannon Tweed
The Osbournes was great-slash-awful because it reduced the show's patriarch -- all-time great heavy metal vocalist Ozzy Osbourne -- to a sloppy muppet. Once upon a dime bag, the Ozzman bit the head off doves, snorted ants, and brought evil-sounding rock 'n' roll to the forefront of pop consciousness. But the cold, hard and heavily edited eye of reality TV showed us another side of Ozzy: domestic, kooky and totally absent-minded in the piss-your-pantaloons style of a post-'60s drug casualty.
Gene Simmons Family Jewels goes one step further, delivering bozo moment after bozo moment featuring a washed-up member of rock royalty -- plus the added bonus of full-blown marital discord.
Gene Simmons vs. Axl Rose
You could not pay us to give an honest shit about Gene Simmons shit-talking dominatrix extraordinaire Axl Rose. But you could pay us to mention it in a blog post.
Gene Simmons vs. Anonymous
The only thing weaker than KISS vs. The Internet is Metallica vs. The Internet. Crossfade is happy anonymous hackers have moved on to, like, banks and shit.
Gene Simmons vs. Terry Gross
Look, when we tune into NPR, we're looking for summer camp anecdotes, British people talking seriously, and the lazer reggae they play around 3 a.m., not Gene fucking Simmons admitting he thinks "gymnasium" is a big word.
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Gene Simmons vs. Madonna
So Simmons doesn't think Madonna's good enough for the Super Bowl halftime show, calling her a "karaoke singer." But bad Madonna is still better than good Kiss.