In all seriousness, the festivities will go on with or without you, so get your mopey ass out of bed and don your best red, white, and blue apparel. Even a city full of immigrants like Miami has plenty of reason to celebrate, because no matter where we come from or who we love or what religion we practice, we are all Americans — and even Donald Trump can't take that away.
Get ready to honor America's 241st birthday all weekend through Tuesday, because Miami just doesn't know when to quit. Here are the ten best Fourth of July parties happening in the Magic City.
11 p.m. Friday, June 30, at Story, 136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-479-4426; storymiami.com. Tickets cost $40 via tixr.com.
Will there be cake? With Steve Aoki, you never really know. But expect to kick off the weekend with plenty of bangers and probably some champagne showers. The Dim Mak head honcho DJ'ed at Story last month, but Fourth of July weekend is bringing him right back. His new releases for Ultra Records, "Without U" and "Night Call," feature a who's who of hip-hop, so cross your fingers that 2 Chainz or Migos stop by.
7 p.m. Saturday, July 1, at Electric Pickle, 2826 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-456-5613; electricpicklemiami.com. Tickets cost $10 to $20 via residentadvisor.net.
Local party promoter Un_Mute is celebrating the first anniversary of local label Sports Records. Headlining the bash is the Parisian trio Mandar, along with Taylor Shockley. Mandar recently released its self-titled debut album. Filled with tech house and minimal gems and spanning five LPs, the collection seems exhaustive, but for the most part, it offers one track per side. Get ahold of it — we highly recommend it.
9 p.m. Saturday, July 1, at Gramps, 176 NW 24th St., Miami; 305-699-2669; gramps.com. Admission is free.
The sludge rockers of Cavity have reunited just in time for America's 241st birthday. The band has been a part of Miami's music scene since 1992 and endured myriad lineup changes. In January, Cavity released After Death, its first album in 16 years. Catch the band, along with Other Body and Prison Warder, for free at Gramps this Saturday.
10 p.m. Saturday, July 1, at E11even, 29 NE 11th St., Miami; 305-829-2911; 11miami.com. Tickets cost $75 to $100 via tixr.com.
Partying in Miami can sometimes resemble the lyrics of Future's "Mask Off." "Percocets, molly, Percocets," he raps, along with other drug references. But if you are going to catch him at E11even during Irie Weekend, you better be on your best behavior, because the club's security probably won't tolerate that level of wild partying outside of a rap song.
11 p.m. Saturday, July 1, at LIV, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-4680; livnightclub.com. Tickets cost $75 via tixr.com.
Have you heard? LIV is closing — not permanently, just for the summer while it gets nipped and tucked. This is the last weekend you can party at the venue that changed Miami Beach's nightlife scene when it debuted ten years ago. LIV is celebrating all week with performances by Lil Yachty and Slushii, plus an Irie Weekend bash hosted by Kevin Hart this Sunday. But dance music is king at this club, so your best bet is to see Kaskade give the old LIV a proper sendoff Saturday.