On July 4, 1776, after approving the Declaration of Independence and formally announcing the 13 colonies' freedom from the British Empire, the Second Continental Congress pounded its gavel and ecstatically exclaimed, "Pool party!"
Now 237 years later, we in the Magic City continue to proudly observe this grand ol' Independence Day tradition, otherwise known as squeezing your hotdog and buns into a pair of American flag bikini bottoms, and gettin' em wet.
So huzzah, you patriots! Here are the five best Fourth of July 2013 pool parties in Miami.
Americana Pool Party. With George Acosta, Andres Fresko, Felipe Kaval, and others. Thursday, July 4, 1 p.m., Fifty at the Viceroy Hotel, 485 Brickell Ave., Miami; 305-503-4417; viceroymiami.com. Tickets cost $20 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. If Thomas Jefferson were a 21st-century party boy (and not an 18th-century founding father), he'd be a disc jockey called Tommy J, celebrating America's independence at this luxurious Brickell hotel with "poolside BBQ," "Bayside fireworks," and blonde babes in skimpy sailor suits.
Rony Seikaly's Fourth of July Pool Party. With Justin Sheppard, Patrick M, and Louis Dee. Thursday, July 4, noon to 9 p.m., Hyde Beach at the SLS Hotel, 1701 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-1701; hydebeach.com. Tickets cost $25 to $35 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Most DJs can't stand flat-footed in the deep end of an Olympic-sized swimming pool while fist-pumping above the water's surface to the beat of "The Star-Spangled Banner (Dance Remix)." But Rony Seikaly -- a six-foot, eleven-inch former Miami Heat basketball star -- is one jock who's totally tall enough to pull off that patriotic party trick.
Red, White & Blue Pool Party. With dBerrie, xKore, and friends. Thursday, July 4, noon to 9 p.m., Shore Club Hotel, 1901 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-695-3100; shoreclub.com. Tickets cost $25 to $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. The Shore Club's pool party dress code is pretty strict, i.e. "no sports attire/athletic wear, offensive prints, see-through clothing, chains, baggy clothing, hard-soled shoes." Luckily, they don't say a thang about nudity! Or red, white, and blue body paint!
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IndepenDance Beach Parties. With Steve Lawler, Sharam, Victor Calderone, Sander Kleinenberg, Boris, Norman Doray, The Martinez Brothers, and others. Thursday, July 4, and Saturday, July 6, noon, 1 Ocean Dr., Miami Beach; 305-538-1111; nikkibeach.com. Tickets cost $35 to $75 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Each and every year, Miami's party people strip down and go swimming in celebration of IndepeDance. Which, of course, is exactly like Independence. Except with an extra capital, a swapped-out vowel, and a couple dozen more famous DJs.
Independence Music & Art Festival. Hosted by Damian Pinto. With Liam Shachar, Mickey Destro, Felix House & Max Kartel, DJ Metrokz, and others. Saturday, July 6, 1 p.m., Finnegan's River, 401 SW Third Ave., Miami; 305-285-3030; finnegansriver.com. Tickets cost $10 to $20. Ages 21 and up. Sometimes U.S. history can get kinda boring. But if you were learning about our country's past while wading drunkenly in a pool as Damian "The Voice of Ultra Music Festival" Pinto extolled "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness" (or at least implored everybody to "Shaaaaaake it for America!"), then you'd never snooze through "the unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America" ever again.