"Have you ever dreamed of being a star?"
Who's asking? Flo Rida! He wants to make your dreams come true, and he's not going to do it with the exciting new BeamzByFlo, "the future of interactive music."
What is it? Probably the cheapest piece of plastic crap turned musical instrument since Guitar Hero, with about the same level of playability. It is four red laser beams stretched across two black plastic bars, and you play it like an asshole to hear shitty covers of pop hits.
It comes with a 30-day free trial and a heaping pile of regret. Let's watch the infomercial.
0:00 - 0:08
There's that question again. He's either wearing those sunglasses in his own infomercial because he's (a) stoned, (b) embarrassed to be seen there, or (c) all of the above. "The hottest music technology to hit the market." Orly?
0:09 - 0:15
Even if you might be kind of smart, Beamz has the skills to turn you into the kind of fratty douchebag who doesn't wear sleeves or his hat correctly -- instantly!
0:16 - 0:20
It gives everyone the power to destroy and ruin his credibility, so now, you can be the biggest tool in the room. Unless you're about 5 or 8 or something, and then this might hold your attention for about ten minutes.
0:21 - 0:48
"Interactive lightwave technology." Jesus Christ, really? Just get a theramin. It's basically what this is trying to be, but authentically awesome. And how stupid does Virtual DJ look right now, bwahahahaha.
0:49 - 0:50
"Who wants to try my beamz?"
0:51 - 1:00
This girl is way too excited to try his Beamz. We're not convinced the soundtrack is matching up to whatever the fuck the people onstage are going with these lasers. Why does it make that "thwoop thwoop" sound? Because it's a piece of shit.
1:01 - 1:11
Whether you want to be a rock hero or a DJ, you can throw away your dreams on something ridiculous as this.
1:12 - 1:23
Oh, only a limited time? We wonder why. And it only comes with cover songs "inspired by some of the hottest artists of all time." But you ain't got no fuckin' Yeezy.
1:24 - 1:28
$19.95?! And that's just the shipping and handling for an order you're inevitably going to (a) return, (b) break, or (c) forget about and let the dog destroy.
1:29 - 1:36
Why spend thousands of dollars on real instruments/hardware or spend hours on "frustrating" music lessons? You think you even stand a chance in the first place? Save yourself the years of struggle and give up now!
1:37 - 1:45
Compatible with all your devices, for what exactly, we're still not sure. The real prize here is the chance to win a ride-along with Flo Rida. He's famous enough to want to ride along with, right?
1:46 - 1:51
Flo Rida be like, "You don't just listen to music; you make it." Nah, bro, I'm pretty sure you just listen to shitty pop covers and wave your hands through some lasers.
1:52 - 2:01
It keeps going, but like, whatever. You get it. We all get it. Now we just have to try and forget it.
Follow Kat Bein on Twitter @KatSaysKill.
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