Five Types of Terrible Music That Will Ruin Your Day at the Mall

Bad music stinks as bad as Gaga's meat dress after a week out in the sun.

In your car, your bedroom, or your cubicle, you are the noise master of your audio universe. And it sounds so sweet. But there are other times when you're trapped, helpless, and without control, forced to listen to songs that make you want to pull a Van Gogh. Your ears are inevitably pummeled with sonic trash when you're stuck in an elevator, eating at a casual dining restaurant, or stuck in a parent or aunt's vehicle.

Here are five types of terrible music that will ruin your day. Let's begin with Coldplay, shall we?

5. Coldplay Everything!

Chris Martin's sad bastard schtick is a soul killer and a dinner ruiner. Just play Radiohead already! Leave the Coldplay at home for the End of Days. Don't ruin our shoe shopping experience with this oppressively weepy material. We'd prefer Infant Sorrow's "African Child."

4. Phil Collins' voice

There is nothing that makes this writer want to rip her ears out more than the voice of Genesis drummer and singer Phil freaking Collins. And delivered in his high-pitched squeal, "You Can't Hurry Love" is definitely the worst ever. How about trying Paul Simon instead?

3. Adult Contemporary of the '90s

Apparently, there's a subset of people out there that loves Joan Osbourne. But "One of Us" still sucks. Sure, Train's "Drops of Jupiter" came out in 2001, but it's still a terrible song. Listen, if you want to play something people like from that era, try Paula Abdul's "Forever Your Girl" or The Sundays' "Blind."

2. Christian-y Jesus Music

Listen, there ain't nothing wrong with JC. As they say, "He's my homeboy." But when you put us secularists through the intense torture of listening to music laden with Jesus imagery, like Creed, while we're trying to enjoy our soup, there's only one thing to say, "I close my eyes and begin to pray that this song will go away." A delightful alternative: "Crazy Train."

1. Enya and Kenny G

Clearly, these two sound very different from one another. But they both evoke in all living creatures some similar forms of relaxation. It seems as though Enya's Celtic chants and Kenny's smooth soprano sax would be good music for the lunch room. But no, it's entirely too sleepy. It's the equivalent of a guided meditation tape, a Nyquil cocktail, and a trip to the spa. It makes us so (yawn) tired ...

Sleep tight!

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Liz Tracy has written for publications such as the New York Times, the Atlantic, Refinery29, W, Glamour, and, of course, Miami New Times. She was New Times Broward-Palm Beach's music editor for three years. Now she plays one mean monster with her 2-year-old son and obsessively watches British mysteries.
Contact: Liz Tracy