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Five Local Bands Best Served With a Gallon of Hard Liquor

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A great man once said, "Go big or go home." That particular philosophy applies to almost everything in life -- surfing, rocking the fuck out, and guzzling a gallon of hard liquor.

In that spirit, here's a nice list to help you and your liver prepare for a night of live tuneage at your favorite Miami boozing bar.

Set the Aleve and water by the bed. It's time to party.

5. The Rejects

Real musicians rake their souls to create something meaningful. Decent money is rarely the result of such expression. However, each time a bunch of weekend warriors learns other people's songs and pools its office money for brand new equipment, they score a ton of gigs and make ten times more money than bands playing original stuff.

Why? Well, every douche from accounting loves to cut the rug after a long work week while hear something they already know. But if anyone with a sense of self-awareness happens to be stuck listening the same band, heavy drinking is the only alternative.

4. Birdman's Clambake

Sean "Birdman" Gould is Miami music scene hall of famer. If you've already contemplated his tunes, you know that his veins pump awesome. But if you haven't, it takes a minute to make sense of what looks like the San Diego chicken with AIDS playin' a guitar and singing wacky songs.

One minute the Birdman's riffin' through some straight rock 'n' roll while standing on the bar and using your lighter as a slide for his Fender Strat. And the next minute, it's funkytime! Assholes and elbows everywhere! That's when your brain starts to hurt a bit, and the only thing that makes it beyond better is a whole lotta Jager. It's just a bad idea gone good.

3. Suenalo

One could technically go to a Suenalo show straight from an A.A. meeting, jacked up on sugar cookies and BP black coffee, and still have a nice time.

It would most likely be "fun." But that twelve-stepper would be missing this band's most magical side-effect: Super dance powers!

After getting drunk, soaking up some of that Latin fusion, and slamming a cataclysmic final shot of tequila, you're gonna realize something very strange ... You can fucking dance!

2. The Furious Dudes

No one has a goddamn clue what singer John Vale is screaming about. Or why a huge dude with such a fantastic beard can sing that shrill and high. All we know is that the FD's noise is way too loud and potentially volatile to be endured without some kind of alcoholic painkiller.

1. Any Singer-Songwriter Night

Despite the overabundance of South Florida's blossoming undiscovered talent, too real is just too real when one wants to unwind and chillax. Everyone knows everyone at these things. Breakup songs and overwrought originals sung by semi-attractive, likeable unknowns sometimes accompanied

by uber-proficient lifelong band members are not why we leave our respective caves at night.

Next thing you know, you're alone with someone's painful story soured by your own bullshit. Not a good look. Time to drink some smilejuice and make that immediate escape from Van Dykes to the Deuce.

-- Eric Garcia

Follow Crossfade on Facebook and Twitter @Crossfade_SFL.

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