Everyone wants to feel special and loved, but not everyone is a Very Important Person.
Of course, if VIP is really about anything at all, it's money and status and exclusivity. A person cannot be "very important" unless there are "less important" people at which to snicker and point from the bottle-service enclosure at a South Beach megaclub.
So where do we all fit in? Well, here are eight signs you're not VIP. Sorry to kill the vibe.
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You Waited in Line to Get In
Being VIP means someone will bend over backward to get you in the club. Lines are for plebes with no connections. The Very Important People must be rushed into the club so they can start spending money ASAP. Tickets are an absolute no for them, because they're always on carefully curated guest lists. And even if their names disappear from said list, they've got someone's cell number already pulled up for special emergency escort servicing.
You're Looking at Price Tags
The cover to get into the club is $60. The card minimum at the bar is $50. And the bartender's going to put a holding charge of an additional $50 just to make sure you don't fuck them over. Wut? You just walked in and bought a Heineken for $16. Already this experience is giving you the cold sweats. If you're doing mental mathematics between drops, you're not VIP.
See also: Six Reasons to Never Have Sex With a DJ
You've Got a Triple-Digit Bank Account
Just because you can get into the club and afford a few rounds of shots for your homies doesn't mean you've got the VIP on lock. If your checking account contains only hundreds, you're still nowhere near Very Important Person status. Got a "low account balance"? And you've still found yourself behind the velvet rope? Well, it's obviously by some professional or social trickery. Leave this city, and you're on your own.
You Aren't Rocking a Spray Tan
We live in Miami, so just walking outside for an hour almost guarantees you sunburn. And yet spray tans still exist. Life in the VIP is a crazy one. You don't always have time to lounge around by the pool and catch some rays. So you've got to get a lil' color from a bottle or a booth, and honestly, the spray is better for your skin. If you're some pasty snowman, that's a sure sign you're not VIP.
See also: Ten Worst Raver Cliches
You've Still Got All Original Body Parts
VIPs may as well stand for Very Inspired Plastic Surgeon, because walking into the megaclub is like strolling through a wax museum. Are these people real? Are their faces pliable? Do their tits defy gravity? Were their asses stung by a million bees? No, silly, they've just replaced their original body parts with designer models. And if you've still got the bod that you were born with ... That's not very VIP.
You Came to the Club With Glowsticks
There are only two kinds of shiny, flashy thing to be found in the VIP section: (1) expensive pieces of jewelry the size of the remaining arctic ice sheet; and (2) glowing party batons specially branded and handed out by the club itself. Kids who come with their own glowsticks are exactly that -- kids. Ravers with goodies are either in their first two years of clubbing. They're too inexperienced to have earned VIP cred. Or they're just not interested in Very Important Person status. This VIP stuff is serious business, and there is no room for toys.
See also: Five Signs You Might Be a Shitty DJ
Your Shoes Are Comfortable
Just as a glowing tan, bottled or otherwise, is an important fashion accessory, so too is expensive and absurdly designed footwear. The good news for Very Important People: There are couches in VIP section. The bad news: You're not sitting, but standing on them for a better view. If you came to the club in comfortable shoes with dancing in mind, you're probably not VIP material. Hey, at least you won't be crying on the way back to the car.
The Music Is Your Main Priority
The comfortable shoes, the flask in your back pocket, the lack of tan, the way you thought it was worth it to wait in line for 20 minutes or more just to get in, this all signifies one thing: You really give a shit about the DJ. You're willing to drain your triple-digit bank account and face the judging hordes because you're an avid fan. Those in VIP are hardly dancing. They are excited about the status, the free drinks (or the idea that girls might be attracted to their bottles), the flamboyancy of the whole affair. They're here because it was deemed a Very Important social event, and that's why they're showing off their social superiority. Or maybe they just don't want to be surrounded by sweaty, fucked-up kids with glowsticks. That is sometimes also the case.
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