Only boring people spend the season singing silly songs in the company of loved ones while getting stuffed full of fruitcake, sucking back Manischewitz, and forging lovely lasting memories.
So be cool like Crossfade. Go get so wasted that you forget it's Christmas! Uhntz-uhntz with the Matzo crowd! Headbang through the holidays!
Candyland. With Stanton Warriors, AK1200, Juan Basshead, and others. Friday, December 21, 10 p.m., The Vagabond, 30 NE 14th St., Miami; 305-379-0508; thevagabondmiami.com. Tickets cost $20 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. WTF is that rumble? Well, it isn't St. Nick, Rudolph, and the rest landing on NE 14th Street for a nog stop. Just Candyland unleashing that yuletide bass.
DJ Khaled's We The Best Christmas Party. Saturday, December 22, 11 p.m., Cameo, 1445 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-532-2667; cameomiami.com. Tickets cost $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Unlike Santa Claus, when DJ Khaled squeezes into a red suit, shouting, "Ho! Ho! Ho!," he ain't just bein' a jolly good fellow. He's calling for "Bitches & Bottles." 'Cause homie got a seasonal thirst.
Space's Holiday Spectacular. With Boris. Saturday, December 22, 10 p.m., Space, 34 NE 11th St. Miami; 305-375-0001; clubspace.com. Tickets cost $20 to $40 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. When enjoying a so-called "Holiday Spectacular" in Space, be careful, beat freaks. Ecstatic celebrations in zero gravity can cause decompression sickness, barotrauma, and extreme dehydration.
Jingle Bell Rock Metal Fest. Presented by Gorrilla Music. With Stone Heads, Tabula Rasa, Infrofuse, and others. Sunday, December 23, 9 p.m., Churchill's Pub, 5501 NE Second Ave., Miami; 305-757-1807; churchillspub.com. Cover costs $12. Ages 21 and up. Celebrate a metalhead Xmas at Little Haiti's scuzziest rock club. Peppermint Jäger shots. A trip through the merry mosh pit. Maybe even a Fraser fir in flames.
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MatzoBall. Presented by Society of Young Jewish Professionals and JDate. Monday, December 24, 8 p.m., LIV, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-4680; livnightclub.com. Tickets cost $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. How do Jews spend Christmas time? Either eating Chinese food, checking out the new Barbara Streisand flick, or enjoying some MatzoBall, "a night of high-energy networking and matchmaking for singles ages 21-49 years of age."
Diplo. With Vice, Ruen, and Jessica Who. As part of Dirty Hairy. Wednesday, December 26, 11 p.m., LIV, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-4680; livnightclub.com. Tickets cost $40 to $60 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. If you've never heard of Dipmas, it's the annual commemoration of the birth of Wes Pentz, when ladies buss it open, bros rock a festive turtleneck, and the whole world rejoices! As Diplo himself would say: "Express yourself!"