Summer officially begins this week, which means it's time to take a vacation from partying only pretty hard. So load up the station wagon with ice, naked people, and flavored sonogram gel because Miami's not stopping until September.
And to kick off your road trip to oblivion, Nashville electro-pop duo Cherub will be playing Bardot on Saturday night. The pair's new 100 Bottles EP is the latest in a series of sweaty, sexy, party-starting jams that qualifies Jordan Kelly and Jason Huber to give even someone like you some party advice.
For starters, here are their must-have ingredients for any good party. Jason says you're going to need "loud speakers and a nice girl-to-guy ratio," which is about "three-to-one. I'm a guy. But a girl, too, when there are too many guys, they get weirded out."
More importantly, he continues, "You need to not be wearing any underwear to a party. It's the same rule with leather pants but extended." Anything else? "How can you have a party without balloons?" Jordan asks rhetorically, like all good questions about balloons are asked.
But this is Miami, where all you have to do to start a party is walk into a crowded room and yell, "Party!" Good thing the Cherub dudes are also experts on keeping parties going. Generous to a fault, they've offered advice on overcoming some common party-stopping scenarios to keep your summer from becoming just another dumb season between spring and fall.
Crossfade: It's a hot, humid Miami summer and just when everything is getting good, the power goes out. No music, no air conditioning, no blender for the virgin daiquiris.
Jason: That's easy. You play, "Guess Who's in My Mouth."
It's one of those parties where everybody is supposed to bring something. You show up and everyone has brought a sleeve of cups but there's nothing to put in it except for a black banana you find in the kitchen.
Jason: You've got nothing other than a banana? You've got to go out and get drinks.
Jordan: Sometimes people bring stuff that you don't need cups for. Powders and pills. And at those parties, maybe you'll have a longer, better time because people won't get drunk and sleepy.
You open the cooler expecting frosty beers but you find that instead, it's one of those organ transplant containers and there's a liver just hanging out in there. All of the coolers are organ transplant coolers.
Jason: You have more livers to party much harder with. That's an immediate bonus.
Jordan: You could eat them. You ride out that thrill and your party turns into a barbecue. Obviously, the organs are well maintained because they've been in a cooler.
You're at a bar mitzvah reception and the bar mitzvah boy's beloved grandfather drops dead about an hour before it's due to be over. No one else sees and you're right next to a broom closet.
Jason: I'd eat him. Get rid of him.
Jordan: (in an accent he described as his "Dirty Dan" voice) I'd take him out back to my pigs. I bring them everywhere. They're going to be ten of them.
Party in a haunted house. At first, the ghosts are really scary, jumping out and yelling, "Boo!" But after a while, it's just getting really annoying. People are starting to talk about leaving which means if you don't act fast, it could just be you two and a bunch of annoying ghosts.
Jordan: Jason would punch them in the face.
Jason: But wouldn't that go through?
Jordan: No problem. We played on a Ouija board and told them they were not welcome. That was a freaky day. A freaky deaky day.
Jason: Got freaky with the toe nail.
You look at your phone and realize that even though it feels like you've only been at the party for twenty minutes, it's really been 200 years. Outside the party, everything that everyone knows and loves is dead and gone. No one else at the party realizes this...for now.
Jason: You've got to send someone out first, like a penguin.
Jordan: What? That's such a cute animal to send out first. You can't.
Jason: That's what they do when they're swimming.
Jordan: Between any person at the party and a penguin, I would probably choose to save the penguin. Just tell someone, "Hey, we need more cups." Then send them out and see what happens.
Jason: I'm going to agree but I don't fully agree.
Party on the Titanic. It hits the iceberg right as the band starts playing. All the women and children are leaving but Prince is fronting the band and they're doing "Pussy Control."
Jason: Hell yeah!
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Jordan: That sounds like an awesome way to go out.
Jason: Gee, go in really cold water and shiver and probably tip over or just go out having a good time with Prince? Hell yeah.
Cherub. With Dude Skywalker. Saturday, June 22. Bardot, 3456 North Miami Ave., Miami. The show starts at 10 p.m. and tickets via showclix.com cost $12 plus fees for early birds or $20 if you can't get your shit together in a timely fashion. 21+. Call 305-576-5570 or visit bardotmiami.com.