Ever since the creation of the Bon Iver Erotic Stories Tumblr, it has become impossible to separate the band's sleepy-eyed singer from the sexy, sexy tales that have been written about him.
But as strange as this phenomenon might sound, it sorta makes sense. After all, Justin Vernon is a multiple Grammy winner with a dusky falsetto and a bedroom-ready bod thanks to a new workout regimen. He's basically D'Angelo in a flannel shirt.
But not everyone is ready to be a mother. And if you're not careful, Vernon will pluck your fallopian tubes like the strings of a pawnshop guitar and process the pre-natal ultrasound through Auto-Tune for his 18th side project this year.
If you get your head right, however, you will realize that a night with Mr. Justin Vernon isn't quite as romantic as it initially seems. As proof, here are the five least sexy erotic stories about Bon Iver's singer.
5. Cider and Donuts
Bon Iver took me to the cider mill today. We sat on the cold hard ground in the orchard and drank fresh cider from a rusted metal Thermos. The paper bag full of donuts we bought was half-transparent from grease. He pulled a donut from the bag and fed it to me in small bites, his fingers covered in cinnamon sugar. We made love under the trees, the rough granules of sugar melting with our heat.
Justin Vernon's band travels with gym equipment and considers its health to be a top priority. And yet he's going to feed you a bag of donuts? It may not be full-blown Münchausen by proxy. But at the very least, it's munchies by proxy. Check his rucksack for any life insurance policies he may have taken out on you.
4. Sucking Freckles in Bed
Each freckle has a nickname. Each kiss is the best one. Every interaction is significant: passionate or humorous or sweet. Our senses are alert, memorizing everything, because we know that we must leave this place eventually, and we know that the remembrance of our time here will consume us for hours and days.
I'm in bed with Bon Iver.
Seriously, skin cancer ain't nothing to fuck with. This Bon Iver is a real sicko. Don't be surprised if you come back early from the doing the wash in the stream, only to find him pouring asbestos into your humidifier.
3. The Crazy Horse Whisperer
Bon Iver is saddling our Appaloosa. He's tied the reins of her hackamore to a tree in a stand of limber pine and is nuzzling her velvet nose, whispering something.
Appaloosas are particularly susceptible to night blindness, meaning that your moonlit ride along the cliff's edge with Bon Iver could soon turn disastrous. Not only that, but there is no creature on Earth that can resist a whispering Bon Iver. So can you really trust that horse the next time Bon Iver rides into town for acorn squash seeds?
2. Stones, Sheets, and Spiced Wine
It'll be cold tonight. We prepare by drinking hot spiced wine from the twice-fired mugs Bon Iver made for my name day. We bring the extra quilts to our room and slide heated stones between our sheets.
It's easy to forget that Justin Vernon is the person, Bon Iver is the band. You thought you were moving to the cabin for a simple, beautiful life and he's gotten you into some freaky group thing. Fall asleep for a few minutes around this guy and it'll be Eyes Wide Shut by the time you open them.
1. Deep Into the Hearth
Bon Iver has been up since earliest light, working on his new song. When I wake, the old oak table is strewn with papers and instruments: a fiddle, a tambourine, and the pennywhistle he always carries in his pocket. He fills the French press for me, wipes sleep from my eye, and muses, 'Can you think of words that rhyme with hearth?'
Here are some words that rhyme with hearth: Get the hell out of there! He's writing a song about chopping you up and throwing the pieces deep into the hearth!
Bon Iver. Wednesday, June 6. Fillmore Miami Beach, 1700 Washington Ave., Miami Beach. The show starts at 8 p.m. and tickets cost $34.50 to $49.50 plus fees via livenation.com. All ages. Call 305-673-7300 or visit fillmoremb.com.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.