Birdman's "Fire Flame" Video: An Exhaustive Analysis

Like a growing number of Americans, Bryan "Birdman" Williams works from home. At least, that's what we took from the Miami transplant's epic new music video, "Fire Flame", in which he spends the day conducting all of his business-- which involves the trading of a lot of briefcases-- without leaving the grounds of his estate on "Stunna Island". Is that in Miami-Dade County?

Here's Birdman's daily work schedule, as deciphered from the video:

9:00 am: Deep in the bowels of his Geometric Mansion, Birdman starts his day by getting his head scraped clean and his nails done and his champagne held by a team of beautiful female assistants dressed like newsies. He tells the head-scraper: "Yeah baby, twenty years ago this started in the streets of New Orleans. Dig it."

The head-scraper's like: Not this damn story again. Birdman takes a sip of champagne. He is then escorted down a hall by two beautiful hall-walking assistants.

10:00 am: Wearing a scarf-- Stunna Island has a wind chill-- Birdman climbs into his $2 million dollar vehicle, accompanied by his beautiful bag-holding assistant, and begins his daily commute.

10:01 am: Birdman arrives at his property's Choral Labyrinth. Carrying a Louis Vuitton bag full of mysteries, he walks through the labyrinth until he finds a 60s-Era Asian Gangster, who, with his own beautiful parasol-holding assistant, is awaiting him. "Korea welcomes Cash Money," Asian Gangster tells him in Korean. "Our partnership is an honor."

"Believe that," Birdman tells him, because he learned Korean using an iced-out Rosetta Stone box-set, and then swaps his mysterious Luis Vuitton bag for the Asian Gangster's mysterious metal briefcase. Later-- and throughout the day-- Birdman burns some hundred dollar bills.

11:00 am: His morning meeting complete, Birdman climbs into the Helicopter That Matches His Car to pick up some stuff in town. While he's gone, his beautiful assistants take their lunch break by lounging around the pool. Pharell Williams drops by and, finding that Birdman is in town, decides to lounge by the pool as well.

3:00 pm: Birdman's swimsuit-wearing assistant walks out to an island in the middle of the Geometric Mansion's moat, where the World's Most Interesting Man awaits with a mysterious thin briefcase. The World's Most Interesting Man follows the assistant into the house.

5:30 pm: Back from town, Birdman gets some exercise by walking around the pool.

6:30 pm: Birdman enjoys a post-dinner cigar in his wine cellar, which is guarded by beautiful sentry assistants. The wine racks are full of stacks of money, and he's set out five plates full of cash on the table. Does Birdman eat money?

7:30 pm: Having changed clothes for the fifth time that day, Birdman walks down to the Lagoon, where there is an Beautiful Assistant Dance Party going on. The World's Most Interesting Man, accompanied by a consigliere, is leaning against a column. Birdman leans against the other side of the same column.

"If Cash Money moves, I move with you," says The World's Most Interesting Man in Spanish. Birdman rubs his palm and strokes his chin, thinking: Damn, I should learn Spanish.

With the meeting complete, a beautiful assistant takes The World's Most Interesting Man away.

10:00 pm: Back in his money-eating den, two beautiful assistants bring Birdman two more mysterious Louis Vuitton satchels-- bags that will tomorrow have to be swapped for other bags in different crannies of his estate. He salutes the beautiful assistants, letting them know that they can clock out for the night.

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Gus Garcia-Roberts