Stumbling upon Perez Hilton's most recent video post about Kim Kardashian, we exclaimed, "Sweet, another sex tape!," removed our pants, and hit the play button.
For the first 23 seconds, we were really digging it. Sweaty and scantily clad with a face full of smeared makeup, there's Kim K., dressed in pink rubber underwear and strappy spike heels, crawling across the filthy floor of some dark abandoned warehouse.
But then she turns toward the camera, opens her mouth, and starts, uh, singing. That's when we asked ourselves: "WTF kinda smut are we dealing with here?"
Apparently, despite all the butt and boob shots, this 54-second clip called "Jam (Turn It Up)" is not a sex tape. It's a snippet from the official Hype Williams- music video for Kimmy's debut pop single, produced by The-Dream and originally premiered last March on Ryan Seacrest's radio show.
While appearing "On Air with Ryan Seacrest" last March, Kardashian recounted -- in superannoying detail -- the sequence of phone calls that led to this song. "My good friend Ciara was like, 'The-Dream wants your number,' and I was like, 'Please, I'm sure he does,' and she said, 'No, seriously. He really wants to do a song with you.'"
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The result: Boring robot sex music with nasal, pitch-corrected vocals and predictably lobotomized lyrics like, "Turn me up, Turn me up, Turn me, Turn me, Turn me up/Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah/I'm goin out tonight, it's goin down/Headed straight to the front of the line, on the fly/On the floor, I can't stand still/And I'm goin to work like im paying my bills, bills."
Of course, "Jam (Turn It Up) isn't as soul-crushingly shitty as "Bump It" by The Real Housewives of DC's Michaele Salahi. But still, we here at Crossfade would really like to ask: When will celebreality stars stop dropping hot pop turds (not to mention accompanying music vids) and just stick to exploiting their true talents?
You know, stuff like whining, seducing (and sometimes marrying) pro athletes, and releasing the occasional sex tape.