A “Stan”-like Message to Jared Leto

Hey, Jared: Ryan Brown from Burner here. I recently received a press packet from Virgin Records for your band, 30 Seconds to Mars. Now, Jared, when I got your CD in the mail, I was so excited. I was all “I’m going to make fun of Jared Leto. This is going to make me happy.” The problem is that your band is not awful. In fact, at times, your band is good. So what’s next, Jared? What am I supposed to do now? It’s not enough that you were in Requiem for a Dream and Fight Club and American Psycho. Right, Jared? Jared, you answer me! Okay, look, I’m sorry I yelled. I know you’re sensitive and thoughtful and don’t like to be yelled at. I’m just frustrated with you, Jared. You make everyone else look bad! With your long, shining hair that sort of covers one of your baby blue eyes, and your aura of mystique that says, “I’m innocent, but I know something … I know something.” What’s your problem, Jared? Why don’t you give someone else a chance? Jerk. Also, can you sign my photo of your band?