VIP this, general admission that ... New Year's Eve is totally overrated.
Why deal with hoards of drunk buffoons sporting ridiculously goofy 2012 sunglasses, overpriced prix-fixe menu options, and endless DUI checkpoints when you can slip into your Forever Lazy and ring in the New Year from your fallout shelter with a bottle of Wild Turkey and tons of Top 40 tuneage?
That's where you'll find us -- Crossfade's underground retreat -- wide-eyed and wired, ready for that Mayan Zombie attack that's supposed to happen when the clock strikes midnight or whatever. And while we wait, NYE programming!
Check out the plethora of televised New Year's Eve music performances scheduled for December 31.
Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve, ABC
Ryan Seacrest hosts, Dick Clark presents, and Pitbull performs. It sounds ludicrous. But it's television's favorite NYE tradition. Joining Mr. Worldwide will be Justin Bieber, Carlos Santana, and Lady Gaga, who'll help drop the Monster Time Square Ball with Mayor Bloomberg.
American Country New Year's Eve Live, FOX
The dudes from Pawn Stars cohost this all-American NYE show with comedian Rodney Carrington. The star-studded cast will introduce performances by Toby Keith, Eli Young, and Joe Nichols. You say New Year, we say nightmare.
NBC's New Year's Eve with Carson Daly, NBC
Network television's unlikeliest tradition since 2003, New Year's Eve with Carson Daly, is back and bigger than ever with special guests Cee Lo Green, Drake, and Jessie J. You can toss Daly off NBC's late-night lineup, but you can't take the late-night out of Daly. Or something like that. RIP Last Call.
MTV New Year's Eve Live, MTV
Here's a network that truly understands its demographic, i.e. 13-year-old girls and high-school dropouts. So Music Television's counting down to 2012 with Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato -- not to mention Jason Derulo, Mac Miller and J. Cole. Plus, Teen Wolf's Tyler Posey is hosting the thing.
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All American New Year, FOX News
If you're looking for a fair and balanced NYE celebration, let Megyn Kelly and Bill Hemmer lead you into a 2012 packed with Obama-bashing. They're hosting Fox News' shindig featuring performances by Big & Rich and Trace Adkins. Ignore the misspelled news scroller at the bottom.