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45 Second Reviews

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As Tall as Lions

Into the Flood

01:18-02:03 of “Into the Flood”

Hmm… I’m thinking a bit of Slowdive, maybe a dash of Counting Crows and a taste of the Fray. What kind of soup does that make? Utter, replaceable crap soup. Thanks a lot dudes. You totally owe me 45 seconds of my time. I’m going to go shit out a shoegaze album and pray I can build a time machine so I can travel back to 1991 to make this record relevant.

Boxcutter

Glyphic

00:25-01:10 of “Kaleid”

This is the sound that I imagine that the Internet makes when a lot of people are looking up Aphex Twin on Google. Totally relaxed and pleasant but I’m not sure how because these abrasive tones should be making my ears bleed. Hmm… this makes me want a cupcake. Excuse me.

Megan McCauley

Better than Blood

02:20-02:55 of “Tap That”

Holy crap, this is every teenage, angst driven girl, with religious parents dream! And every cocky, cynical, music reviewer’s wet dream! The chorus, “You come out here and play with me, let me be your (something) fantasy, yeah I kind of like that, I wanna tap that,” screams irony and hilarity at every point. See, she’s saying, “tap that,” because dude-bro’s say “tap that.” She’s mocking your backwards cap and Crocs with painful irony! Sweet irony and dyed red stripy hair! Watch out Avy!

My Hero is Me

Helen of Troy

02:30-03:15 of “When Animals Write Poetry

You know back in the day there used to be tons of screaming/sometimes singy hardcore bands — Saetia, Early Grace, blah blah blah, I think they had a name for it. It’s weird that bands still emulate this. I mean, watch this: one two three…metal guitar, screaming, acoustic metal guitar, singing. Bam, put a witty song title in there and blamo, you got yourself a ’90s hardcore record.

Pitbull

The Boatlift

00:00-00:45 of “Ying & Yang”

First off I have to point out that this is one of only two songs that doesn’t have a guest on it. I’m not joking. Anyway, I’m gonna shake it and shake and shake it ‘cause this is something that could only maybe possibly sound good on a huge stereo in an Escalade. So if I bounce up and down maybe I can imitate that.

— Thorin Klosowski

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