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A couple of years ago travel writer Mac Seligman sent a letter in which he wrote about how when you travel, what you expect — or are led to expect — is never what you get. To that end he’d prepared a list of “travelese,” a compendium of terms that tell it like it really is. For instance “all the amenities” actually means “free shower cap”; “tree-lined boulevards” means “no sightseeing”; “secluded hideaway” means “impossible to find.”
Mac is on the right track, obviously: It’s all about semantics. And in my opinion the restaurant world could use the same kind of demystification. Because clearly if you’ve ever felt let down by a restaurant, chances are it’s not the restaurant’s fault. It’s yours. Your expectations were too high. You misinterpreted. You didn’t order correctly. Whatever the reason the eatery is absolved, and you’re to blame.
But relax. The following glossary will be helpful so you’ll never make the same mistakes again.
The Euphemism•The Truth
Contemporary•Wear black
Modern•Wear black Spandex
Fashionable•Wear a little black dress
Upscale casual•Wear black jeans
Eclectic•Wear as little as possible
Proper attire required•Wear underwear
Sports bar•Valium for men
Trattoria•Pasta: variations on a theme
Café•Limited menu
Bistro•Would you like the beef
or the chicken?
Brasserie•We didn’t know what else to call it
Live music•Amateur night
Karaoke•Japanese for run far, run fast
Jazz brunch•Bloody Mary hangover cure
Complimentary valet•Tip big or kiss your SUV bye-bye
No reservations needed•Bring a book; we suggest War and Peace
Reservations suggested•Reservations required
Reservations required•Enjoy a ten-dollar glass of wine while you wait for your table
Do you have a reservation?•I’m a god and you’re not
Your table is ready•You’re not worthy
Buffet•The three tenors: salmonella,
lysteria, and e.coli
Daily specials•Yesterday’s leftovers
Soup of the day•Yesterday’s leftovers
in liquid form
Fish of the day•The most inexpensive guppy on the market
Free-range chicken•One pricey bird
Organic•Grown in manure
Wild•Grown in bear shit
Hydroponic•Grown in pot
Biogenetic•Not grown in nature
Heirloom•Not grown anymore
Micro•Akin to bonsai, first cousin
to nouvelle
Prix-fixe menu•You cheap bastard
Dessert menu•Bill padding
Side dish•Bill padding
Palmetto bug•Big discount
Free refills•Please tip the bathroom attendant
Evian or Pellegrino?•We’ll need a down payment
Can I take your order?• Hurry up and eat so I can turn this table over
Executive chef•Rider
Sous chef•Horse
Server•Rider
Busboy•Horse
Bartender•Twelve-stepper
General manager•Swelled head honcho
No smoking•Our ashtrays are broken
No cigars or pipes•Marlboro addicts welcome
Fifteen percent gratuity added on•You must be a tourist
Fifteen percent gratuity suggested•You look like a tourist
Twenty percent gratuity suggested•You look like a sucker
