Audio By Carbonatix
When the inevitable German tourists climb aboard a Miami Tour Company bus today for a trek around Dade, they might catch a faint whiff of the meat sweats.
Last night, the Burger Beast’s inaugural Burger Tour shuttled 25 passengers among Taurus in the Grove, the Filling Station downtown, and Burger & Beer Joint in Miami Beach for food, laughs, and a T-shirt.
The crew ranged from fine diners to fast-fooders to home cookers — empirical evidence that everyone indeed loves burgers. At the end of the night, consensus was that Taurus was best overall (edging out competition with its truffle fries); the Filling Station had the best, most personable staff; and Burger & Beer Joint was fun but served up an unfortunate platter of cold food.
Here are some funny quotes from the night.
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“I’m gonna put this in my pocket. I’m gonna hang these pants up and in a year see what’s in them.”
– Burger Beast (talking about the last burger that nobody wanted.)
“I think the concept is fuckin’ brilliant.”
– Patrick Montesano
“Tater tots? I hate tater tots. In elementary school, I used to trade them for chocolate milk.”
– The Caveman
“I haven’t eaten yet… too stressed out. I’m gonna get some real food on the way home… some McDonald’s.”
-The Burger Beast on not having eaten
“Beast, you need to do a strip club burger tour. Yeah, burgers and boobies. Hooters and cooters. Tootsie’s wins.”
– Burger Beast’s Cast of Characters and tour bus driver
“Next, we’re gonna make aprons. After that, booty shorts; they’re gonna say “Burger” on one cheek and “Beast: on the other.”
– Burger Beast
“My mom wanted to go on the tour. I told her there was no room and the tickets were sold out.”
– Burger Beast
“We were gonna do a burger crawl… Imagine Cannonball Run but with burgers.”
– Burger Beast
“I came here for the press, but he [the Burger Beast] gets it all.”
– ER Gagit
“I just had my third burger and it’s 10 o’clock at night. They’re gonna have to fuckin’ wheel me out of here.”
– Steve Blind Mind
“Back in 1987 — I’ll never forget it — I saw this gangster’s girlfriend stab a cop who was breaking up a fight.”
“What happened to the cop?”
“He died and they named the street after him.”
“That’s some gangster-ass shit.”
– Carlos Miller and Gus from Miami Beach 411
“I’m gonna have a hard time getting up tomorrow. I’m all full of burger.”
– Steve Blind Mind
“I wasn’t crazy about any of the burgers.”
– ER Gagit
