Audio By Carbonatix
Sugar sells, especially in our pleasantly plump society. That’s why The Corn Refiners Association is asking the Food and Drug Administration to start calling high-fructose corn syrup “corn sugar.”
Their motivation is two fold: 1) Scientific research linking obesity and corn syrup have been inconclusive, and 2) Health conscious consumers won’t buy products like Hunt’s Ketchup or Wheat Thins because of the processed ingredient. Oh yeah, and then there’s money.
In honor of this proposed name change, we found five questionably named brands from around the world that may struggle getting their products off grocery story shelves too.
Jussipussi Bread
It’s hard to find good Jussipussi in Miami. We’re used to Cuban bread and Publix-brand whole wheat. We can’t imagine Jussipussi being better than pan tostado in the morning, but we don’t discriminate and want to give it a try. If you know where to find foreign Jussipussi, please share immediately.
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Vergina Beer
Nothing loosens up a man like an ice cold Vergina to the face. Indeed the one thing a guy can never get enough of is this Macedonian brew. Surprise your buddies at the next tailgate with this premium stuff for all.
Grace Kitchen’s Cock Flavored Soup Mix:
Don’t let the name fool you; zero cocks were hurt processing this powdered concoction of salt, gum, dehydrated carrots and thiamine mononitrate that “may contain trace amounts of fish.” In fact, no poultry was used, just “natural and artificial flavors” for effect purposes.
b>Barefoot Wine:
We understand the traditional wine-making method involves crushing grapes by foot–everyone has seen that episode of “I Love Lucy”–but a label with a dirty footprint on a bottle of wine triggers the mental image of barefoot Gypsies stomping grapes with their fungus-infested toes. Hell, even Scum Juice would’ve been a better name.
Bear Naked 100% Pure & Natural Granola:
Does a bear shit in the woods? Of course he does, and at some point, he probably shat all over the granola too. We don’t want to picture Grizzly popping a squat every time we add a little protein to our yogurt, but it’s better than Naked Nuts, right?
