Marlins catcher Ronny Paulino is not exactly the slimmest slugger on the roster. Like a trophy housewife he often struggles with his weight, and decided to take the easy way out and get some pharmaceutical help. That’s his story anyway. Paulino claims the weight loss pills led to his positive…
If there were a word to describe the Dolphins first-team performance last week against the Buccaneers, that word would probably be ass. Dropped passes, bad quarterback play, and a crapload of offensive line penalties kept the Fins in a quagmire of shittiness. It didn’t help that they had to play…
Evidently, Stephen Ross hasn’t quite finished his quest to make the Miami Dolphins the biggest laughing stock in the NFL. Because now that he’s brought in A-list celebrities like Gloria Estefan and Jennifer Lopez to become part-owners of the team, Ross is moving on to phase two: He’s going to…
John Mayer — a man who makes music that sounds like Wonder Bread tastes — has a sneaky little plan for his upcoming South Florida concert. Get this: He will wear a Cleveland Cavaliers jersey. LOLOLOLOL HAHAHA, so clever! What a comedic genius this guy is! Actually, no. Shut up,…
Marlins rookie outfielder Mike Stanton was named NL Player of the Week. He was given the honor after bludgeoning the Nationals and Reds collective pitching staffs last week using only his bat and his boyish good looks. Stanton collected a total of eight hits and six RBI in a three-game…
LeBron James is the cover boy for the all-important September issue of GQ, and in the interview, he has some perplexing things to say about Cleveland. Namely, that growing up in nearby Akron, he kind of hated Cleveland, but he’s open to the idea of one day returning to the…
Normally when a sports star gets arrested on drug charges, it’s the athlete who has to answer the hard questions. But following yesterday’s arrest of Miami Heat fan favorite Udonis Haslem, it’s the Florida Highway Patrol that seems to have some explaining to do…
If the NBA were a Disney sports movie, the Miami Heat would be the team of freakishly large, scowling kids who pull up to games in an all-black bus, wear Dolph Lundren buzz cuts, and scare the crap out of the scrappy underdogs. The upcoming season will be a lot more…
There are several things we can glean from the Dolphins 10-7 pre-season win over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers this past Saturday: Pat White is probably done, the Marlins infield is where football goes to die and Dolphins fans remain pretty irrational after just one meaningless game. What’s that? Brandon Marshall…
Miami Dolphins football is back! And although it’s a meaningless preseason game where the starters will see less than five minutes of playing time, it’s still football. And you will watch it because you love it. And you will pick some random anonymous bench player who has a great game…
Brandon Marshall probably would have been the biggest accusation of the off season for a Miami team if it wasn’t for that whole LeBron thing. Maybe he was worried we forgot about him, so he decided to say something ridiculous to garner some attention. See Marshall thinks there’ll definitely be…
Dearest Miami Heat: Why, oh why, do you hate Miami New Times so very much?You aren’t still pissed that we called your owner, Micky Arison, a “greedy corporate pig,” are you? Are your feelings still hurt because we superimposed his face on a gigantic swine for the cover? Perhaps you’re…
Do you find yourself unconsciously smashing things: strangers on the street, shopping carts, trash cans, or stray poodles? Do you have an irresistible urge to sprint until you puke; wear a jockstrap; or put eye black on like Cristina Kirchner?Fear not, friend. Your time has come.Yesterday was the first day…
What makes an NFL team successful? For the coach, players and fans it means winning games. For the owner and front office it also means making lots of money. According to a new analysis from Portfolio.com, your Miami Dolphins ranked near the bottom in both categories in 2009. Of the league’s 32 teams,…
Maybe we’re biased, but we think the University of Miami athletics logo is one of the most original and aesthetically pleasing in all of sports. It’s minimalist yet says so much. However, in its ACC preview, Rivals’ group of experts seems to think the team’s helmet, which features the logo,…
It was only a matter of time until someone wrote a book about the Miami Heat’s amazing off-season in which it secured three of the biggest prizes of a historic free-agency class. Of course, we doubt Ric Bucher’s tome, tentatively titled Overheated (har-har), will be sitting on the bookshelves of…
So as it turns out, all of that criticism and scorn the media and the rest of the world have been spewing at LeBron James since he came to the Heat — yeah, LeBron James noticed. And he is not amused. From his Twitter account last night:Don’t think for one…
We here at Riptide like the sordid side of things. And while we’re hoping that, come the end of the 2010-11 NBA season, Dwyane Wade, LeBron James, and Chris Bosh are lobbing a championship trophy to each other as they ride dolphins through Biscayne Bay, we’re also hoping for a…
According to TMZ, LeBron James paid controversial Rabbi Yoshiyahu Yosef Pinto six figures to sit in on a merchandising meeting on a yacht somewhere off the coast of New York. Pinto is styled as something of a business guru-slash-spiritual leader to the rich and famous. He only speaks Hebrew, and…
The Miami Heat released their 2010-11 season schedule today. Why other teams will even bother to show up to these games is beyond us. They should just forfeit now. Or maybe arrive to the arena late and blame it on the crazy McNugget lady ahead of them in the McDonald’s…
If this past Saturday’s seven-on-seven scrimmage is any indication, the Miami Dolphins will go 0-16 and then explode. In a nutshell, the new-look offense starring wide receiver Brandon Marshall was atrocious. Even though Marshall has been dominant during practices, he finished the scrimmage with two catches for 11 yards. EVERYBODY…
At least one person in LeBron James’s inner circle wasn’t thrilled with his decision to “take his talents to South Beach”: Savannah Brinson, his longtime lady love and mother of his two sons. She’s not worried about James ruining his legacy, the Heat unfairly reshaping the NBA, or hometown loyalty (if she…
