Barack Obama cranked on Tuesday, so we’re cranked. And he took Florida too. Wow! It’s history, baby! But then we looked more closely at the results and, well, the Diaz-Balart brothers proved that while negative campaigning didn’t work across the nation, South Florida lapped it up. Miami Dade College lost…

Photo by Jacek Gancarz Elton Gissendanner, New Times’ favorite octogenarian ex-con running for a Florida House seat lost to Republican incumbent Denise Grimsley last night, as expected. It was a landslide: at last count, Grimsley had him beaten by more than 25,000 to his less than 12,000 votes. In a…

10:30 PM “Oh, it’s going to be a landslide,” Mayor Manny Diaz declared to Riptide at the official Democratic results watch party at a ballroom in Parrot Jungle. At this point it wasn’t much of a newsflash: Pennsylvania had just been called for Obama, sparking chants of “Yes We Did”…

Gus Garcia-Roberts At Sunny Isles Beach, the lines are long but calm. Given Florida’s penchant for pandemonium at the polls, and the unprecedented turnout during early voting, we were expecting rabid voting-card-armed mobs attacking our libraries, schools, and churches today. Instead we’ve encountered what everybody but a reporter wants to…

This just in: A certain sect of Miami Cubans that hangs outside a restaurant called Versailles hates Obama. And they’re actually kind of unreasonable about it, calling him an asshole and stuff. This totally shocking news break — accompanied by photographic evidence compiled at a Saturday mini-protest — is brought…

Yeah, so Matt Damon did the whole get-out-the-vote-for-Obama thing earlier this week. But he did it in West Palm Beach- home of soccer moms and Froodles. It’s a whole ‘nother thing for a celebrity to traverse galaxies away from the Starbucks-beaten path, and approximately eighteen thousand miles away from the…

Barack Obama cranked on Tuesday, so we’re cranked. And he took Florida too. Wowsa! It’s history, baby! But then we looked more closely at the results and, well, the Diaz-Balart brothers proved that while negative campaigning didn’t work across the nation, South Florida lapped it up. Miami Dade College lost…

Last Wednesday afternoon, a chiseled male gymnast — face made up to resemble a feline’s — lifted and flung a tiny female counterpart around a stage set up at Lincoln Road Mall as new-age music wailed from speakers. Diners at nearby outdoor tables watched the preview of Cirque du Soleil’s…

A wake of astonishment follows him through Miami International Airport on a windy Friday, 27 days before Election Day. A blond businesswoman with a cell phone glued to her cheek halts her hurried stride. “I think I just saw Bar …” she exhales into the phone, but can’t bring herself…

In September, we criticized the Herald for including in its Sunday edition a copy of the DVD Obsession: Radical Islam’s War Against the West, a film decried by many as anti-Islam propaganda. The Herald was paid to include the DVD, and did so, initially, without explanation. This week, we caught…

From a New Times reader: I am baffled at the number of African Americans supporting Obama. They must not care that, if elected, Obama will give “illegal residents” citizenship, social security, welfare, and all the “rights” that they do not deserve. Once this occurs, they will overwhelm communities, and take…

Cuban immigrant and Miami Lakes resident Gerardo Puisseaux looks a lot like Barack Obama. So he did the only logical thing: He drove to the studios of Channel 41, Spanish-language network América TeVé, and asked for a job from the first person to walk through the front doors. And América…

Earlier this week, we snapped some photos of a yacht sinking into Biscayne Bay off of preppy haven Bay Harbor Islands, and it didn’t fill us with a warm feeling of smug satisfaction at all. After the jump, see a couple more photos as part of Riptide’s exclusive water drama…

The pope probably doesn’t much like Jeffrey Herman. The 48-year-old Aventura attorney has won settlements from the Catholic Church totaling more than $5 million in recent years. In one 2005 lawsuit, he garnered $1.5 million from Central Florida Archdiocese. This past July, his clients were among those rewarded $5.5 million…

Michael Symonette is the cultish, Old Testament-spewing, mysteriously wealthy, and not-at-all-batshit visionary behind Blacks Against Obama. He recently survived a Miami Gardens shooting only because, as he describes it, he got all Jet Li on his assailants. And guess who he believes was behind his near-death experience? Hint: He’s an…

Who’s a better judge of art: a prolific collector or a city code enforcer? The City of Miami hopes the Wynwood Art District might finally bring some hip to the downtown area. One of the scene’s anchors is the massive Margulies Collection at The Warehouse on NW 27th Street. Martin…

George Bush with big hair. And they say NPR is mild-mannered. Garrison Keillor recently proved that public radio hosts can rant just an emphatically — albeit with a bit more eloquence — as their conservative talk-show counterparts. His essay on Sarah Palin and this election’s determinedly forgetful Republican mindset, titled…

On Wednesday, we received the following text message from Disco Rick, multi-platinum producer of the above classic, “Your Momma’s on Crack Rock”: From:Disco Rick DIAMONDS CABARET ROBBERY @CLUB 2DAY WAS SAD. MANAGER DAN WAS FRONTED BY 2 GUNMEN. DAN WAS SHOT 3TIMES AS HE RETURNED FIRE & SHOT & KILLED…

As this election reaches an oversaturated frenzy, it sometimes seems like everybody in the country reads Wonkette or the Drudge Report and listens to NPR. But step out of the cubicle, and away from that SoBe debate watch party, and you’ll realize that’s not true. So while I had plans…