On Justin Shaw’s forearms just below the elbow, there are silky light-blond masses of hair. The curly tufts might look at home on the chin of an albino or the skull of Barbie. The longest of these hairs could stretch the diameter of a large grapefruit. For this, Justin hopes…
Hurricane season has come and gone. But in South Florida, it rains morons all year long. Let’s take a look at the awe-inducing numbskulls who turned our region into the short-bus of the nation this week. 1. The Alleged Teenage Horse KillersHey, we have no doubt that a year ago,…
Since last week, when a Coral Gables Senior High student fatally stabbed a classmate, cops have found at least eight weapons on Miami-Dade students. Apparently, its not uncommon for more kids to come to classes armed after an incident of school violence. Maybe it’s peer pressure. Maybe it’s some notion…
Halcyon Jets mired in scandal
Belly Busters: The Florida Marlins Manatees shake two tons of booty
Opa-locka’s Funeral Store sells caskets for less
Not long ago, a 47-year-old Liberty City guy named Slim died. His brother Larry and sister Helen are unemployed, so they didn’t have the money for a standard funeral. What to do? They headed for Opa-locka’s Funeral Store, a drab pink building on NW 119th Street bearing the slogan “Caskets-4-less.”…
Troubled Carol City High, which saw six students murdered from a single class and vacillates between Ds and Fs (see the “The Curse”), finally has achieved national ranking. In a study released yesterday by USA Football, a youth and amateur organization, Carol City High tied for second place in number of alumni…
Before I moved to the Magic City, I wrote at a paper in Cleveland, where uttering the word yoga is considered as egregious a sin to your manhood as eating sorbet. But here in toned-body-capital Miami, I feel secure enough to tell you the following without fear of my boss barreling…
Marlins closer Leo Nunez will never be mistaken for Trevor Hoffman. But since taking over the closer position from god-awful Matt Lindstrom in July, he has done a pretty adequate job, saving 22 games. More important, the man knows how to piss off his opponent. This past Wednesday, the Marlins were in…
Ever been in an intimate relationship at work that ended badly? We bet all you wanted to do afterward, in order to escape seeing your thwarted love partner by the copy machine every day at 10 a.m., was find another place to work.They say that a business partnership is a…
Dude, Where’s My Schlong?: Coral Gables man Enrique Millas loses penis after penile implant surgery performed by urologist Paul E. Perito
Medical malpractice litigation tends to put a price on human body parts. Got your spleen punctured during a messy surgery? Here’s a few thousand for your pain and suffering. Lost a big toe? That’s six-figure territory. A recklessly amputated arm might net you a million bucks. We may soon find…
On Wednesday, another horse was stolen and slaughtered in Miami-Dade County. The cat killer is officially passe. Yesterday, the Miami-Dade Police Department raised its reward for information about the horse killings to $7,000 — and that’s in addition to the $5,000 the Humane Society is offering. That’s 12,000 reasons to…
Could it really have been only January that Riptide, having gathered information from high-level sources within the Versailles Cafée waitstaff, declared Fidel Castro was “Totally Dying This Time, for Reals”? Now it seems El Supremo is less dead than ever. Recent pictures show him outside, shaking hands with a Chinese…
Cane Cowboy: Local sensei Joe Robaina swears he could have prevented 9/11 with cane fu
Who Was That Mugged Man? Paul Magnum
“They were on a Boeing,” Joe Robaina announces and then indicates a span of floor mat about as wide as an airplane cabin walkway. He’s a short, solidly built man with serpentine eyes and a neatly trimmed goatee. In his right hand, he carries a walking stick covered in foam. His…
It may be hard to imagine that a guy who keeps a cougar as a pet could be physically deficient. But 66-year old Northwest Dade resident Alan Rigerman, who was featured in our 2007 story, “Cat People,” about loons who own exotic felines, has serious heart and spinal issues. He qualifies…
This past July, Riptide reported that Homestead’s nonprofit Sabbath Memorial Dog Rescue might close due to a zoning snafu. Several months before, Miami-Dade Animal Services inspectors had discovered that owner Robbie Coy didn’t have a kennel license — and he couldn’t get one until he changed the zoning of his property. Problem is,…
OK, we admit it: We know nothing about pro wrestling. But if we find an extra $39.99 lying around between now and this Sunday, we might watch the WWE Summer Slam on Pay-Per-View because how often do you get to see a former Opa-locka gangbanger perform body slams on TV? Alvin…
Riptide just doesn’t know how some people find the time. Take Claude Vorilhon, for instance. The French “sports-car journalist” changed his name to Raël and in 1974 founded Raëlism, a religion based on his personal encounter with aliens who created the Earth, which of course had nothing to do with…
