It’s not easy being a great girl volleyball player. Wake up, apply acne-preventing face wash, dance with your friends to generic bubblegum pop music, catch a rerun of The Wizards of Waverly Place, chant to your Jonas Brothers poster for a few minutes, txt ur buds, and then gather up…

Imagine the hallway in your high school. Now imagine each Trapper Keeper-toting, horn-rimmed-glasses-wearing geek who was either barreling into you with un-nerd-like athleticism on the way to bio lab or blocking your way with his Cheetos physique. Imagine that frustration. Now multiply it by 5,000 and you’ve just arrived at…

At the turn of the millennium, the United States found itself on the brink of invasion — a Latin invasion. For Miamians, it was already passé, but imagine the horror of an Arkansas mother cooking mac ’n’ cheese in the kitchen while her children watched Ricky Martin gyrate in leather…

Dear Mr. USL President: While researching a match to take place this Saturday between the Miami FC and the Carolina RailHawks at Lockhart Stadium, we found ourselves aghast at the most unsettling trivia: “The RailHawk is a fictitious bird of prey that combines the speed and power of the locomotive…

One fateful day in the late 1960s, a genome research team was commissioned by the United States Paranormal Comedy Department (USPDC) and given one mission: Genetically engineer the perfect comedian. From one canister containing a sample of George Carlin’s sperm (found on a Sears-Roebuck catalogue in a Howard Johnson in…

Since there’s only one rail line in Miami and practically no one uses it, local graffiti artists are forced to be a bit more creative when choosing canvases for their work. From the dumpster in Fox’s parking lot (anyone else notice those droopy hearts all over the city?) to the…

There’s something to be said about the romanticism of the old-time comedian. The cufflinks, the coif, the three-piece band, the “ladies and gentlemen” politeness, the warnings to cover the kids’ ears (“earmuffs!”), and timeless jokes about grandmothers and taxes. Now take the cufflinks, the coif, and the three-piece band. Mix…

I was peeling a banana When a genie came out! I turned off Hannah Montana And he started to shout: “Little Jimmy, today’s your day, I’m here to grant you a wish! How about a million sundaes Or an immortal goldfish!” He was the coolest genie With his motorcycle and…

Is there any place better suited for an animation festival than Miami Beach? Every Ray-Banned, man-pursed, Pomeranian-holstering, deep-V-necked dude on the street could pass for a figment of Chuck Jones’s imagination. So embrace your Steamboat Willie and take a chunk of time this weekend to escape from the horrendous animation…